Carter: Mr. Ford, via satellite. American voters--what do they want?
Mr. Ford: Really, all Americans want is cold beer, warm pussy, and someplace to take a shit with a door on it.
[Pause, everyone staring at the camera blankly]
Carter: Up next...
Mr. Ford: (interrupting) I mean you don't want the dog looking at you.
Carter:Ok...

Chinese Sweatshop Truck Driver: Hey, you blind guys! You want ride?
Killface: Oh, God, thank you. Yes, please.
Xander: [to Killface] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, Trusty Rusty. [to Truck Driver] Who even are you?
Chinese Sweatshop Truck Driver:[hesitatingly] Uhh... The bus!
Xander: Okay. They are the bus.
[Xander and Killface proceed to board the sweatshop truck.]

Clerk: You wanna watch while I call the police?
Wendell: No, wait, I got some money down here in my sock.
Xander: See, he's got sock money.
Wendell: But...
Ronnie: [with ice cream] Here, you lick...with tongue.
Wendell: [with Awesome X mask and gun] You got change for a .38?! [Shoots clerk five times]
Xander: What the fuck, Wendell?!
Wendell: Wendell X.

Deceptacle #1: All right, let me get this straight. You're saying that Steve guy and the crab-man killed Sinn.
Val: Yeah, then put me in her armor to make it look like I did it...
Deceptacle #2: Damn, that Steve's crafty.
Val: ...then took off with the bug-lady to give birth in a secret location.
Deceptacle #1: They're probably starting an ant-baby machete-squad splinter group! (All Decepticles gasp)
Val: Steve mentioned that.

Deceptacle #1: All this time we thought you were this super cool dude Hooper, who just happened to have great tits!
Deceptacle #2: When really, you're some other dude who just happens to have great tits!
Sinn: I'm a woman! Idiots...

Deceptacle #1: Aw yeah, get 'em in there! (Kicks barrel of mini-cobs into pool) Can't have a clambake without corn.
Deceptacle #2: Can we have one without clams?
Deceptacle #1: Okay, uh...this is now Lowcountry boil.
Deceptacle #2: Yeah, I still think that has clams.
Deceptacle #1: Well, I'm sorry the prison food truck didn't have a fresh load of quahogs, but let's still give it up to Curtis for lettin' us hijack it!

Deceptacle #1: Hooper's in charge now.
Awesome X: How and why is Hooper in charge?!
Deceptacle #1: Well...you know, he's...got a lot of great ideas and...um...leadership...ideas.
Awesome X: It's his tits, isn't it!
Deceptacle #1: Oh, my God, are his tits not insane?
Awesome X: [sighs] They totally are.
Deceptacle #2: Oh, and not just his tits either.
Awesome X and Decepatacle #2: His ass.
Awesome X: It's like a peach, I've seen it.

Deceptacle #1: Let's hear it for Hooper's titties!

Deceptacle #1: Who the hell was that?
Deceptacle #2: That's Steve, from machete squad.
Deceptacle #3: We have a machete squad?
Deceptacle #2: Yeah, that guy Steve's on it.

Deceptacle #3: Sing the song, dude.
Awesome X: There's a song?!
Deceptacle #3: [singing] Deceptacles...
Deceptacles: [joining in] More than you bargained for. [One does a drum solo]
Deceptacle #4: Way to ruin it, "Neil Peart"

Decepticle: I saw the big pants first. The gold doubloon is mine.

Dieing News Member: I need an ambulance... [coughs]
Wendell: I'll call you a Hearse. This is for Cody. [shoots a news crew member]
Cody: Dude, what are you doing?
Wendell: Ummm.... here hold this.
[Wendell tosses Cody the gun]
Wendell:Cody! What did you do! What did you do! You're going down for this Cody!

Doctor: I can't believe you paid your daughter a million dollars never to contact you again.
Xander: Hey, she's no angel. She signed the contract too.
Doctor: Yeah...you were a huge dick.

Doctor: So listen. I can't give you an okay to...
Xander: Stand those pants up.
Doctor: ...go battle a cadre of supervillains on top of a giant doomsday device.
Xander: Well, not with that attitude!
Doctor: Remember when Killface punched you with a penguin at the Haggar Pants Presidential Debate (Turns on X-ray of Xander's spine)
Xander: Uh, vaguely, yeah.
Doctor: Well, that cracked your C3 and C4 vertebrae, so... you ever see Hooper?
Xander: Yeah, that robot with the big tits!
Doctor: No, but that sounds awesome.
Xander: It is!
Doctor: I meant the Burt Reynolds movie where he's a hard-living stuntman.
Xander: That sounds awesome.
Doctor: It is. Anyway, one more impact to the neck, and you'll be paralyzed.
Xander: My third-greatest fear!
Doctor: Same basic plot as in the movie.
Xander: God, that sounds awesome.
Doctor: It is.
Xander: But who's gonna stop Hooper?
Doctor: Well, it's already out on DVD.
Xander: No, I mean the robot with the big tits.
Doctor: Really sounds awesome.
Xander: It is.
Doctor: Anyway...
(Wendell, dressed in Awesome X top, delivers a flying kick to the Doctor)
Wendell: I actually have some thoughts on that.
Doctor: Oh my God, now my neck's broken!

Dottie: ...and, as you know, American voters insist on a Christian president.
Killface: That's me. I'm Christian in spades!
Dottie: But you have to be subtle about it.
Killface: I'm subtle in spades!
Taqu'il: They also don't want you to use the word "spades" all the damn time.