Valerie: [Mocking Killface] Oh please don't kill me. Please don't make it so appealing. I'm a douche. [shoots and misses, killing Phil instead] Damn it!
Season 2

Verl: Big guy, how much ya bench?
Killface: I don't know, really...
Verl: I bet you do 240.
Killface: Actually, it's closer to 900.
Verl: 900 pounds this guy...
Killface: No, no, sorry that's kilos.

Verl: Everybody look under your seats!
Killface: Stop it! [silence] First of all, Oprah already gave her audience cars...
Verl: Not the new Scion tC, she didn't!
Killface: ...and didn't waste one segment clucking like a goose about that damn ring--and I hope you know a good appraiser, because if that's not paste, I'll eat my hat. [Mitzi gasps] Now my last segment has fallen victim to "Scion fever."
Verl: Because we love the new Scion tC!
Killface: Shut up! There's a clear line between entertainment and advertising, and you've bloody well crossed it.
[The Scion tC is featured is the background while he talks.]
Killface: Those 18-24's that you're so keen on detest being pitched to, and when I destroy the world, they won't have much use for 17-inch alloy wheels, so...no, no, turn that off there. Stop it. I won't be your pitchman. You hear me. [Walking off; petulant] You're all doomed.
Verl: Doomed to enjoy the new Scion tC!

Waiter: [after having sex with Grace] Wow. Thanks, lady. Wait 'til the guys at school hear about this.
Grace: Oh my God.
Waiter: Do you like X-Box?
Grace: Sweetie, I'm tired.

Waitress: Sir, care to sample a yummy wee-muf?
Stan: [typing] Why the hell would you come over here and presume that I would want a yummy... mmmmmiss-muf?

Watley: And I'll put the ant-farm keyboards in the radioactive waste, thereby minimizing the ecological impacts of both! Way to go Watley, you're doin it!

Wendell: (To Camera-man) Hey! Isn't that rival documentarian Michael Moore's fat ass?
Cameraman: what? where?
Wendell: just, look... Just, Point the camera over there.
Cameraman: Huh?
[The camera goes to the side. A gunshot is heard. The camera goes back.]
Wendell: Cheese and rice, he shot himself! [There is a pause.] With my gun somehow.

Wendell: Cody's down!

Wendell: You do not fuck with the department of labor!

Wendell: [Wendell is visiting Cody in jail. Cody has the appearance of a stereotypical 'prison bitch'.] So, you think you could move some product in here?
Cody: [sighs] I'll...have to check with Gary.
Wendell: Who the hell's Gary? [long pause as Cody looks down] Ohhh.

Wendell: Big push, big push! Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop!
Antagone: What?!
Wendell: I'm gonna throw up. (Hovers to bathroom)
Antagone: Get back here!
Wendell: (in bathroom, having vomited) Do you have any Scope?
Antagone: Get your fat ass back here!

Wendell: Cody II is down!

Wendell: I just killed a man for her; she don't even know my name. High school all over again.

Wendell: So, yeah. This is, uh... I'm undercover.
Killface: Undercover for what?
Dottie: Uh, aiy... Wendell's volunteered to look into some new fundraising avenues.
Wendell: Yeeeep! Commence Operation: Meth Nazi!
Killface: Operation WHAT?
[Wendell drives off on moped, crashing into glass]
Killface: Wendell!
Wendell: Oi!
Killface: I...don't have a great feeling about this.
Dottie: Oh, grow up. Do you know how many American politicians are funded by the Neo-Nazis?
Killface: Wh...shut up.
Dottie: My God, there's Congressman [bleep], and Senator [bleep], not to mention Vice-[bleep] [bleep].
[Cut to talking head]
Killface: Going to bleep those, I hope.

Wendell: This must be the right place then, 'cause I am lookin' at two right now. Ah-ooga, I'm kidding. Did you guys bring the stuff?
Awesome X: Stuff...
Wendell: Wait a minute, Gary sent you guys, right?
Awesome X: Oh, Gary! [nudging Ronnie]
Ronnie: Gary, you mean G-Money. We know that guy. Sent us here.
Awesome X: To you, from...somewhere else.
Wendell: Well then...[revving scooter] get on the scooter!