Frasier quotes
105 total quotes[Frasier is waiting in Café Nervosa for a man who claims he can return his stolen briefcase. Niles discovers it contained his car keys]
Niles: Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?
Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be... [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!
Niles: Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?
Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be... [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!
[Frasier is watching a daytime soap opera with Daphne and Martin]
Frasier: Is this what you do when I'm not at home?
Daphne: Not quite. When you're not home I can bloody well hear what they're saying!
Frasier: You wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you, he loves Placenta!"
Daphne: I don't think someone called "Frasier" should be pointing any fingers.
Frasier: Is this what you do when I'm not at home?
Daphne: Not quite. When you're not home I can bloody well hear what they're saying!
Frasier: You wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you, he loves Placenta!"
Daphne: I don't think someone called "Frasier" should be pointing any fingers.
[Just after they meet Sheila, Frasier reveals to Roz and Niles that he slept with her]
Roz: You slept with her?
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!
Roz: You slept with her?
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!
[Lilith introduces her boyfriend to Frasier]
Lilith: Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having so many faults.
Lilith: Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having so many faults.
[Martin blows out the candles of his birthday cake at the same time the power goes out.]
Niles: Well, at least we know there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs...
Niles: Well, at least we know there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs...
[Martin is annoyed by Frasier's repeated instructions to take Eddie to the vet]
Martin: If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. [exits]
Niles: You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?
Martin: If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. [exits]
Niles: You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?
[Martin remembers how he met his wife.]
Martin: Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
Frasier: Dad, you're a ghoul.
Martin: I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.
Martin: Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
Frasier: Dad, you're a ghoul.
Martin: I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.
[Martin reveals the truth about MeadowWood Properties' demolition plans while proposing a toast, prompting his sons to down their boilermakers]
Martin: To Duke's!
Regulars: To Duke's!
Frasier: [to Duke] Two more!
Martin: To Duke's!
Regulars: To Duke's!
Frasier: [to Duke] Two more!
[Niles accuses Gunnar in English, which Frasier translates into Spanish for Marta, so she can tell Gunnar in German]
Gunnar: Schweinhund! [draws his sword]
Niles: Alright, fine! You want to challenge me? En garde!
Frasier: Oh, yes, Niles! That's just what we need: a fourth language.
Gunnar: Schweinhund! [draws his sword]
Niles: Alright, fine! You want to challenge me? En garde!
Frasier: Oh, yes, Niles! That's just what we need: a fourth language.
[Niles has advised Daphne to reinvest her money from the sale of her shares. Frasier walks in and wonders why she looks so excited]
Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
[Niles is bemused by the smell of Martin's tackle box covered by Daphne's air freshener]
Niles: It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.
Niles: It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.
[Niles is laughing while perusing Dr. Snow's manuscript]
Frasier: Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
Niles: I can't help it. Have you read this?
Frasier: I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.
Frasier: Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
Niles: I can't help it. Have you read this?
Frasier: I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.
[Niles leaves Frasier's apartment during a power outage. He returns a few minutes later, gasping for breath]
Niles: Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!
Season 3
Niles: Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!
Season 3
[Niles wonders how to reconcile with Maris]
Martin: When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig.
Martin: When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig.
[Niles' bag of flour is showing signs of fire damage after being dried beside the hearth]
Frasier: He caught on fire?
Niles: It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
Frasier: He caught on fire?
Niles: It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.