Frasier: Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

Niles: I thought you liked my Maris!
Frasier: I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun... except without the warmth.

Niles: Remember what mom always said: A handshake is as good as a hug.

Frasier: the rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it.
Roz: Here, your brother called.
Frasier: Roz in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.
Roz: Did I ever tell you what this little button does?
Frasier: I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?
Roz: Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilt yoghurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".
[Pause]
Frasier: You say my brother called.

Frasier: Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
Niles: You're a good brother, too.

Niles: So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.

Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
Martin: He cut you off!
Frasier: That doesn't matter. You do not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"
Martin: Big talk from a Volvo.

Frasier: [about Daphne] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.
Frasier: You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?
Niles: She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?

Frasier: As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane." What trenchant criticism. Move aside, Voltaire. Step back in the shadows, H. L. Mencken. There's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre: "I... hate... Frasier Crane."

[Frasier cannot fathom why Martin stopped speaking to Irene after one phone call]
Niles: Who knows why anybody does anything?
Frasier: [looks incredulously at him] Remind me again what you do for a living.

Frasier: How can anyone make a sound judgement about another person on the basis of one phone call?
Niles: [looks back] Remind me again what it is you do for a living.

Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.
Niles: Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

[Catherine is crying]
Frasier: Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. You're in a place of business here.