Speed: One man's family album is another man's porn.

Speed: One minute, you're running the world, and the next, you're in a six-by-six.
Season 2

Speed: She looked him right in the eyes while he was killing her.
Horatio: And he looked back.

Speed: Sir, can you read the yellow tape there? It says 'Crime Scene.'
Ted: Hey, I got a permit to be here.
Speed: Ohhhhh, you've got a permit!
Ted: Yeah, that's right. From Parks and Rec.
Speed: [Getting out cellphone] Well, I'm going to let you tell that to the parents of the girl who got murdered here last night.
Ted: Woah, wait a minute--
Speed: I'm going to let you tell them that we can't process this crime scene because you have a permit for a party.
Ted: You misunderstood me.
Speed: Then I'm going to arrest your cheap, tequila-pushing ass, and have you spend the night in lockup, with all the drunk-and-disorderlies, and you can smell the vomit of the fraternity boys.
Ted: You know what, man, maybe I should just ah, wait, until you're finished.
Speed: That's a capital idea, Ted.
[Eric and Calleigh at hotel; Eric has just pulled out a victim]

Speed: So why would a guy who just robbed an armored truck be parked like a sitting duck?
Horatio: Maybe because I put two in his gas tank.

Speed: So, who was supposed to rescue her?
Rhonda Weber: Her boyfriend, Tommy. The kidnapping was his gift to her.
Yelina: How thoughtful.

Speed: Somebody left DNA?
Valera: 3 "Somebodies."
Speed: You're kidding me.
Valera: First donor was female: saliva, she's a gum chewer.
Speed: Are there any CODIS hits?
Valera: Nada!
Speed: Right, how about the other two "somebodies"?
Valera: Not saliva, not female.
Speed: I guess we weren't the only one who got lucky.
Valera: You shouldn't say that, male sample got trapped inside the gum, I'm guessing she chewed it... mmm after.
Speed: Right, she's living dangerously.

Speed: The last time I was in church was when Kurt Cobain died.

Speed: This car is just a bad investment, just happy I have my bike.
Horatio: Someday you may need something with doors.
Speed: Well, I got plenty of time for that.

Speed: This is all he left behind. [Points to a machine gun.]
Horatio: Because his hands were filled with 3.2 million dollars.

Speed: Well, assumption is the mother of disaster...

Speed: What d'you got?
Eric: A car explosion, burn victim, checking for cognac used as an accelerant. Beat that?
Speed: Yeah. I got a priest shot with a rifle, dead, in a church.
Eric: Not bad.
Speed: Not bad?
Eric: Not bad.
Speed: It's at least a draw, you're not gonna beat me with a burned-out car.
Megan: Boys and their measuring sticks.

Speed: Where were you? I called you three times.
Eric: Had my phone on vibrate, I was, uh...a little busy.
Speed: Yeah?
Eric: Didn't want to be interrupted.
Speed: Busy with the left hand?
Eric: Funny.

Speed: Why anyone needs to prove that evil exists is beyond me.

Speed: You need some help?
Alexx: Nah. I could undress a dead man in my sleep.
Speed: Leaving that one alone.