Morgan: [to Big Mike] Well, it's just a little unusual that you call me before I even had time to screw anything up.

Morgan: [to Brody] Most important graphic novelist: Grant Morrison or Moore/Gibbons?
Brody: Kind of a Brian Vaughan man, myself.
Chuck: [interrupts a disapproving Morgan] Actually... I've always secretly felt that way.
[Chuck and Brody nod in agreement]

Morgan: [to Carina] Just because you're a beautiful woman that I would give up a non-vital organ to make love to doesn't give you the right to show up with this clown and humiliate me in front of my friends.

Morgan: [to Damien] Charlton Heston sci-fi question for you. What's cooler: Soylent Green or Omega Man?
Damien: Trick question. POTA.
Morgan: [whispering] Wow!
[Chuck nods his head in approval]

Morgan: [to Josie] Favorite Bond: Connery excluded?
Josie: I have no opinion about any of this. Why do men care so much about these things? Nothing you're asking me matters at all. [Bentley nods her head in approval]
Morgan: [whispering to a confused Chuck] What on earth is she talking about?

Morgan: [to Sarah, after they incapacitate the second Klüg brother] Spy high-five!

Morgan: [to Sarah] We all know there is a heart of gold underneath this cold exterior... [he places his hand over her heart]
Sarah: Morgan, please don't touch my chest.

Morgan: A relationship is built on trust, Chuck. Sex and trust. Am I right?
Chuck: Yeah, yeah, two big prerequisites I guess.

Morgan: Anything you want to tell me about?
Chuck: No. Anything you want to ask me about?
Morgan: No.
Chuck: Okay, good talk!
Morgan: One of our best!

Morgan: Because tonight Chuck Bartowski is boldly going where none of us have gone before...To have intercourse with a beautiful woman.
Anna: Speak for yourself.
[Everyone stares at Anna]

Morgan: Carina is not just some girl. She's basically a Swedish supermodel. The country's greatest export since Björn Borg.
Jeff: People mistake him for me all the time.

Morgan: Chuck, I know what a third wheel is. I know it's me. Give, give me a chance here, man. Let, let me be a fourth wheel. For once. Or maybe I can be any other even number.

Morgan: Chuck, we have an emergency. We need to talk.
Chuck: I'm on the phone.
Morgan: Shh, not here, not here; there are spies at the Buy More.
Chuck: [hangs up the phone] Spies, really?
Morgan: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tang's minions, they're everywhere! He's like the dark Lord Sauron from Lord of the Rings. Only instead of the ring of power he's taken over control of the assistant manager-ship.
Chuck: Yeah, from me, right thanks for the reminder.
Morgan: You got it, man. Listen we need your help, Chuck.
Chuck: Me, what am I suppose to do? I'm just...
Morgan: One small hobbit? So thought Frodo Baggins, my friend; so thought Frodo Baggins!

Morgan: Gentlemen, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the only reason I took this job at the Buy More was to do as little work as humanly possible.
[Jeff and Lester nod]
Morgan: The big man has made that dream a reality.
Lester: The man's an inspiration to slackers everywhere.
Jeff: Until his old lady dumped him.
Morgan: We're screwed! I mean screwed now that he has nothing to live for except work.
Jeff: Yeah, but how do we get Mrs. Big Mike to take him back?
Lester: How do you mend a broken heart?
Emmett: You mean, how do we get him laid? I'm sorry to interrupt this little meeting of the minds but you're not the only ones who find this new regime insufferable. It's obvious our rotund leader is channeling his sexual energies into the Buy More. In my opinion your only hope......
Morgan: Is to channel him back into sex. Brilliant, Emmett. But where do we find Big Mike a ridiculous, out of his league hottie?
Lester: Someone to suck his will to work out of him.
Jeff: Not at the Bennigan's Bar.
Lester: Sometimes the fruit hangs a little too low.
Emmett: Where do you meet people where you don't have to pay for sex?

Morgan: I cannot believe I'm saying this, but you're fired.
Chuck: What? You're firing me from the Buy More?
Morgan: Buy More? No. Are you kidding me? You're the best Nerd Herder we have. I need you here. I'm firing you as my best friend!