Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had sex with Giles?!
Joyce: It was the candy! We were teenagers!
Buffy: On the hood of a police car?!
Joyce: [goes to leave, glances back] I'll be downstairs. [exits] You feel better!
Buffy: Twice!?

Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Professor Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job. [exits]
Professor Walsh: I like her.

Buffy: You know, I just woke up and I looked in the mirror and thought, 'Hey, what's with all the sin.' I need to change. I'm dirty, I'm bad with the sex, and the envy and the loud music that us kids listen to nowadays... oh, I just suck at undercover.

Buffy: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
Buffy: I've been thinking about doing something in my room. I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.

Buffy: You saw the Grand Canyon?
Xander: Well, I saw the movie Grand Canyon, on cable. Really lame.
Buffy: Huh?
Xander: Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car, and that was literally. So I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous "Ladies Night" club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. Nobody really bothered me, or even spoke to me, until one night, when one of the male strippers called in sick, and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say, I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything is exactly as it was, except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?
Buffy: Male strippers?
Xander: No power on this earth!

Buffy: You tell them if you want. Go ahead. Rock the boat. Rock and roll it the hell over. My friends and I'll still be groovin' with the movin'. [She stakes the first vamp] Know why? I tried to kill my friends, my sister, last week and guess how much they hate me now? Zero. Zero much. So I'm thinking, sleeping with you... They'll deal.
Spike: In that case why won't you sleep with me again?
[The second vamp looks at Spike with a confused expression on his face. Buffy stakes him]
Buffy: [walking away] Because I don't love you
Spike: [To himself] Like hell.

Buffy: You think I'm losing sight of the big picture, but I'm not. When Spike had that chip, it was like having him in a muzzle. It was wrong. You can't beat evil by doing evil. I know that.

Buffy: You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her. You just gotta go through me.
Mr. Maclay: What?
Buffy: You heard me! You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me.
Dawn: And me!
Mr. Maclay: Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls!
Dawn: You don't wanna mess with us.
Buffy: She's a hair-puller.
Giles: And you're not just dealing with two little girls.
Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: [Holds up hand] Except me.
Xander: Except Spike.
Spike: I don't care what happens.

Buffy: Zippo. Patrol has been totally uneventful. My kill count's way down.
Willow: [to Tara] She means that there's been less bad guy activity.
Giles: And we know what that often indicates.
Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota. Bad Slayer!

Caleb: "Drink of this, for it is my blood." You know, I always loved the story of the Last Supper. The body and blood of Christ becoming rich, red wine. I recall, as a boy, though, I couldn't help but think: what would happen if you were at the Last Supper, and you ordered the white? A nice oaky Chardonnay or White Zin. I mean, would he make that out of his lymph or some-all? Never did bring it up. Suppose there was a reason why I never spent too long in one parish. Just looking for answers. Just looking for the Lord in the wrong damn places. Then you showed me the light.

Caleb: [to Faith] Well, you're the other one, aren't you. You're Cain to her Abel. No offense meant to Cain, of course.
Faith: I never was one for the good book.
Caleb: Oh, it has its moments.

Cassie: You think I want this? You think I don't care? [cries] Believe me, I want to... be here, do things. I want to graduate from high school, and I want to go to the stupid winter formal... I have this friend, and it would be fun to go with him. Just to dance and hear lame music to wear a silly dress and laugh and stuff... I'd like to go. There's a lot of stuff I'd like to do. I'd love to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. And I'd love to see my cousins grow up and see how they turn out 'cause they're really mean and I think they're gonna be fat. I'd love to backpack across the country or, I don't know, fall in love, but I won't. I just never will.

Cave Demon: You seek me, vampire?
Spike: [observing the cave walls] You do the finger paintings? Nice work.
Cave Demon: Answer me.
Spike: Yeah... I seek you.
Cave Demon: Something about a woman. The Slayer.
Spike: [angrily] Thinks she's better than me. Ever since I got this bleeding chip in my head, I haven't been right. Everything's gone to hell.
Cave Demon: And you want to return to your former self.
Spike: Yeah. [the demon laughs darkly] What?
Cave Demon: Look what she's reduced you to.
Spike: It's this bloody chip, not--
Cave Demon: You were a legendary dark warrior, and you let yourself be castrated! Now you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration?
Spike: I'm still a warrior--
Cave Demon: You're a pathetic excuse for a demon!
Spike: Yeah? I'll show you who's pathetic. Give me your best shot, Lurky.
Cave Demon: You'd never endure the trials required to grant your request.
Spike: Do your worst. But when I win, I want what I came here for. Bitch is gonna see a change...

Col. McNamara: We hit him with continuous taser blasts.
Xander: Great plan. That's right up there with duck and cover.

Cordelia: [about Willow and Xander] No, no, no way! I wish us into Bizarro-land and you guys are still together? I cannot win!
Vamp Xander: Probably not, [changes to vampire face] but I'll give you a head start.