Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia: [scoffs] I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close which is good cause I don't really like you that much. But you have been known to save the world on occasion, so I'm going to give you a piece of advice.
Buffy: Which is?
Cordelia: Get over it.
Buffy: Excuse me?
Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Cordelia: Harmony, shut up. [Xander looks back] Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
Harmony: I'm not a sheep.
Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? [Xander smiles] I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is. [Xander stops smiling]

Cordelia: I came by to tell Buffy to stop all of this craziness and found you all unconscious ... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.
Giles: Wake up in a c... ? Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
Cordelia: Now, let's be clear. The brain damage happened before I hit you.

Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.
Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.
Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.

Cordelia: I don't even get why you care about Homecoming when you're doing stuff like this.
Buffy: Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. You couldn't understand. I just thought ... Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and, for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there'd be proof, proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, [pumps the rifle] I look cute in a tiara.

Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...
Xander: I think you mean oppressed.
Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!

Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.
...
Cordelia: My point however is, crazy or not, it's pretty much the only plan. Besides, it's Buffy's, and she's Slay Gal, you know, Little Miss Likes-to-fight. So...
Xander: I think there was a 'yea' vote buried in there somewhere.
...
Angel: Well, he's not crazy about germs.
Cordelia: Of course. That's it! We'll attack him with germs!
Buffy: Great! We'll get him cornered, and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus, and... and, um... or -- it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says "Ebola" on it, and, um... [snaps her fingers] chase him. [everyone is silent] ...With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
Oz: He'll never see it coming.

Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale!
Anya: Done! [nothing happens, Anya is confused]
Cordelia: No! I wish Buffy Summers had never been born! That would be cool!
Anya: Done! [again nothing happens]
Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.
Anya: Done!
Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind disappear off the face of the earth. That would be so cool! Or maybe...

Cordelia: I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.

Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers. Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.
Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.
Cordelia: Oh, please.
Xander: I do!
Cordelia: Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the-the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.
[Cordelia turns and walks away.]
Cordelia: [to herself] There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Cordelia: Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants!
Xander: Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.

Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.
[The others look at each other.]
Buffy: [to Xander] Was that an insult?
Xander: Kinda lacked punch.
Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool.
Cordelia: I see your point.
Xander: I woulda gone with Stooges.
Cordelia: Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?
Willow: Uh, yes! Our own personal demons.
Xander: Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!
Buffy: I would have to go with Stooges also.

Cordelia: So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular?
Buffy: That about sums it up.
Cordelia: Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely.
Buffy: Hmm. So you've read something about the feeling?
Cordelia: Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.
Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?
Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.

Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?
Jenny: What?
Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.
Jenny: Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat. The stains.

Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?