Alan: I can see you're aroused. You might consider the last man to make love to her died while doing so.
[Denny looks over Kelly Nolan's body.]
Denny: I'll take my chances.

Alan: I didn't see you on the balcony the other night.
Denny: Bev and I had something to do...then we did it again.

Alan: I have a similar bit of wisdom I like to share. We can do this my way or another way that will have you writing a very large check and crying like a baby.

Alan: I need your boobs.
Shirley: OK...but have them home by 11.

Alan: I squeezed a clown's nose today.
Denny: Good for you!

Alan: I suppose coming to a lawyer's office can't be much fun.
Marissa: Actually, everyone seems friendly here.
Alan: Well, they're given an unlimited supply of donuts.

Alan: It's spring...I'm in heat.

Alan: Jerry, you know I have a tremendous affection for my own intelligence, and even I think you are smarter than me.
Jerry Espenson: Oh, I am.

Alan: Mindful that abroad, people expect shock and awe when Yankees arrive on the scene, we shall leave you with two small but lasting words...
Denny: Denny Crane, eh.

Alan: My New Year's resolution...is to appreciate my friends every day and catch more fish.

Alan: Oh, look, it's me!
Denny: I can see that. You were there, in a sea of breasts, and you didn't invite me!

Alan: Schadenfreude. From the German words, Schaden and Freude, damage and joy. It means to take spiteful, malicious delight in the misfortune of others. We used to dismiss this as simply an ugly side of human nature, but it is much, much more than that. Recently a Stanford professor actually captured Schadenfreude on a brain scan. It's a physiological medical phenomenon. When we see others fall it sometimes causes a chemical to be released in the dorsal striatum of the brain which actually causes us to feel pleasure. If you watch the news or read the papers, which of course you don't because the Judge said not to, but if you did, you would see the undeniable delicious joy of the media and the public over Kelly Nolan's plight. I have no doubt that you want Kelly Nolan to be punished. She married for money, she had an affair, she carried on naked in the pool with her boyfriend. She's cold, materialistic, unlikable, and it might bring you all pleasure to see her go to jail. But as for evidence to establish that she committed a murder beyond all reasonable doubt? It just isn't there. The only possible route to a guilty verdict here is Schadenfreude.

Alan: So how are you doing?
Denise: Fine.
Alan: I have a rabbi friend with a small gambling problem who, when he hears someone say they're fine, he always asks again until they say something--other than 'fine.' So, how are you doing?

Alan: The credit card industry is a pack of hyenas crunching on the bones of the poor.

Alan: There used to be a day when the pandering in our society was reserved for��
Denny: Politicians?
Alan: [laughs] Maybe that's what bothers me. Hollywood has sunk to the level of Congress.