Denny: So, do you like her yet? You promised.
Alan: I did. And I do.
Denny: I thought you would. She has many fine qualities.
Alan: She makes my friend smile. That's the only quality that matters.

Denny: Thank you, Alan, for coming with me.
Alan: I think friends should always encourage friends to get their heads examined.

Denny: Think we'll ever see the day when the defense lawyer will be legally permitted to shoot the defendant?
Alan: We seem to be making progress.
Denny: Denny Crane. I'll be your attorney.[imitating to shoot somebody]

Denny: This isn't meaningful; practicing law and drinking scotch at 9 o'clock in the morning. Well, ok, maybe the scotch is meaningful.

Denny: What are you doing in my office?
Paul: This is my office, Denny.
Denny: Oh, that must mean I've come to see you...why?

Denny: What the hell kinda charity is 'Children's Group'?
Shirley: We're teaching children to read.
Denise: No, we're buying them food.
Alan: I thought we were providing them with old people to play with.

Denny: When a beautiful woman says, 'get me off', you 'get her off', Shirley, it's as simple as that.

Denny: When God strips you of your talent, He should at least have the decency to strip away the memory of having had it.

Denny: While everyone was whining about Bev, you were actually trying to take her out. I admire that. You have very large testicles, my friend.
Brad: Well. Thank you Denny, I'm flattered you have that opinion of me.
Denny: It's not my opinion. I saw you in the shower at the gym. Good God!

Denny: With all that's going on in the world these days, who among us hasn't wanted to take an axe to a priest?

Denny: With juries, it always comes down to simple. There's nobody simpler than me.

Denny: You never talk about your wife. What was she like?
Alan: She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.
Denny: Sounds spectacular. What happened?
Alan: She began...to know me too well and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, it's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.

Denny: You're one of those environmental lawyers?
Peter Barrett: Is there something wrong with that?
Denny: They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something - I came out here to enjoy nature. Don't talk to me about the environment.
Alan: All reality, none of it scripted.

Denny: You, kid.
Garrett: Yes. sir.
Denny: Fix my tie. [to Sara] You, you know my name?
Sara: Yes, sir.
Denny: Good. Maybe someday I'll learn yours.

Denny: (Closing Argument) Who the hell are we kidding? Defense Attorneys make their living helping their clients get away with murder. We put rapists back on the streets knowing they're gonna rape again. Let's not pretend that we don't aid and abet crime. But the key is: Make sure we cover our asses. Defense attorneys do that better than anybody. Now, Alan Shore covered his. He knew he couldn't legally advise Mr. Mkeba to run, and he expressly told him he couldn't give him such advice. Did Mr. Mkeba get the message anyway? Sure, but technically, Alan Shore didn't break the law. Ass covered, over and out. Not guilty, simple as that. Oh, and here's another thing about asses: (Turns to District Attorney Kupfer) Not you, we'll get to you in a second. If you have a lot of success against the D.A.'s office, and Alan Shore's had a lot. Especially against this putz, beats him every time.
Kupfer: Objection.
Judge Sanders: Sustained. Mr. Crane.
Denny: I'm sorry, Your Honor. Too much success, and eventually, you get a giant bullseye painted on your bottom. (Pulls down pants, revealing bullseye painted on his boxers)
Kupfer: Objection!
Judge Sanders: Sustained! Mr. Crane!
Denny: I'm just trying to make a point, your honor. (To jury) Alan Shore, was the target. He has a bigger bullseye on his ass than I have on mine. And this man, Douglas Kupfer, is aiming for it! He said he wanted to stab him. That's subtle. There's a vendetta. He wants my client, anyway he can get him, and that's the only reason we're here. Reasonable doubt? You all know that. Last name Crane. First name Denny. Not Guilty! Over and out.