Denny: How can you ban red meat?
Dominick Ryan: Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.
Denny: We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.
Dominick: Is there anything we can do?
Shirley: We'll get an immediate TRO.
Denny: I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard.
Shirley: The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right - the law lacks condiments.

Denny: If she tries to pee standing up, come and get me. [after closing the door to the stall] Lock and load!

Denny: Lock and load. Where is everybody?
Paul: This is an administrative meeting, Denny.
Denny: Oh! Then what the hell am I doing here?
Shirley: Remember the good ole days when you liked to know what was going on? When you could go from your office to the elevator without a roadmap?
Denny: Didn't need a roadmap to find my way around your body, did I, Shirley?
Shirley: I wouldn't know. I was usually asleep.
Denny: I once had her...and Streisand...at the same time. Remember that?
Shirley: Hahhh, I do Denny. Ha ha. And not to burst your bubble, but that was a male impersonator. Perhaps the penis might have been your clue.

Denny: Sally, that was not a pleasant meeting. Typically when associates are unhappy, I give them a hug.
Sally: I don't want a hug, Mr. Crane.
Denny: Okay. May I have one?

Denny: Tom Delay is a friend of mine. He advised me to keep a rifle in the office
Detective: My question is: Did it appear that the suspect was about to shoot Mr. Shore before you decided to take him out?
Denny: No, why the hell would I wait for that?

Denny: You hear the one about the fella who died? Went to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument and says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oooohhh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."

Denny: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
Shirley: It was the Secretary of Defense.

Denny: You would agree, Mr. Mayor, that by and large, vegetarians are communists?
Mayor George Bostwick: I certainly would not.
Denny: We're at war, Mr. Bostwick. Think we can win that war if we suddenly say to our soldiers, "No more meat"? Think a nation of fish-eaters can protect the world, you wimp?
Attorney for Mayor: Objection?
Denny: Withdrawn. Nothing further.
Mayor: (Under his breath) Wimp?
Shirley: (To Denny) What the hell are you doing?!?
Denny: Don't bother with the merits, Shirley, this case is all about the Judge.

Donny Crane: Dad, he's mocking me.
Denny: You're a Crane, get used to it.

Donny Crane: We're talking about emotions of the heart.
Denny: Objection. Sounds like a girly man.
Donny Crane: [angrily] Move to strike!
Denny: That's better.

Dr. Lee: And who is the current President of the United States?
Denny: That would be Ernest Borgnine.

Gil Furnald: I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on; it just feels right sometimes.
Denny: So, basically, you're a sicko.
Gil Furnald: I'm not sick.
Denny: Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?
Gil Furnald: My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay.
Denny: Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Judge Brown: Do you know what my mother would call you? A namby-pamby. Weak and spineless, bellyaching about some trumped up medical excuse.

Judge Brown: I don't like this. Your office gets behind, so you just let criminals walk?
Alan: It's reassuring to see that you haven't formed any conclusions about my client's guilt or innocence.
Judge Brown: You know what my mother says? �If it smells funny, I'm not eating it.��
Alan: Exact opposite of my motto.

Judge Clark Brown: Now I'm going to do the interrupting. If Nothing Else I pride myself on being conscientious fact finder.
Denny: Oh Brother
Judge Brown: Mr. Crane, did you say something?
Denny: It's a stupid law. Overturn it, be a man.
Shirley: Mr. Crane was trying to be helpful, apparently he did not succeed.
Judge Brown: We will hold an evidentiary hearing at 2:00. We will first hear from the Mayor and then, Miss Schmidt, if you choose, we will hear from your client. Until then, we are adjourned.
Denny: Put on a dress
Judge Brown: 2:00!
Shirley: (To Denny) What are you doing?
Denny: I know this Judge. I know where his buttons are.
Shirley: Research shows, Denny, it's not wise to antagonize the people whose favor you're trying to court!
Denny: Oh, come on Shirley. You still antagonize me and we both know what's really going on, don't we?
Shirley: You sweet man. It's been a long time since anyone's hit my button. I doubt you'd even know where to find it!
Denny: Just a matter of time, Shirley, just a matter of time. (To client, who's sitting right next to them) This doesn't involve you, man, it's sexual.