Archer quotes

339 total quotes


Malory: Why isn't there a metal briefcase full of bearer-bonds handcuffed to your drinking arm?!
Archer: Uh, [Raises his glass] pretty sure you just answered your own question.

Malory: Why not?
Cyril: Because it's just not believable that this guy, who also can not be named Cassius, would risk his career for a woman twice his age.
Malory: So make her forty.
Cyril: Yeah, and who's gonna play her?
Malory: Me! That's the whole point!
Cyril: You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe.

Malory: Why would anyone want to kidnap you?
Cheryl: Because my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4. It's Tunt.
Archer: Tum again?

Malory: You're still together?
Barry: Ex-fiance, thats what I meant to say.
Malory: Well, then it wasn't meant to be.
Barry: [nervous chuckle] I don't even know... how to respond to that.

Noah: Can I just run up to my hovel real quick and get the only extant copy of my dissertation?
Archer: Noah, I've still got four bullets.
Noah: Oh God! Do you know what ‘extant' means?!
Archer: Do you know what ‘License to kill' means?
Noah: ... I'll write another one.

Pam: Damn that Krieger! Nazi clone Bastard!

Pam: This deuce aint gonna drop itself!
Archer: You realise I can never unhear that? ... Why are you crying?
Pam: Because I got ripped in a bar last night and I was trying to beat my record for cramming pool balls in my mouth when some a-hole slaps me on the back and...
Archer: No! You swallowed a pool ball?
Pam: I wish just one. And I've still got two to go, so if you don't mind. [Closes door]
Archer: Pam, wait! I had something... what was it? ... Uh, something about stripes and solids.

Pam: Well go on, give your mom a hug.
Malory: Oh, I don't think that's...
Archer: [Interrupting] Possible.
Malory: What?
Lana: Ugh, he's got an erection.
Archer: It's this Corinthian leather!

Pam: ...And some blow jobs... I mean, printers.

Pam: [To Malory] And you! The worst of the bunch!
Malory: Me? Why me?
Pam: Five thousand measly dollars?!
Malory: Y'know, maybe I low-balled him at first... But I had some wiggle room.
Pam: Yeah? Well let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whupping five thousand buck's worth of your ass.

Pam: And don't go starting rumors about Conway boning your mother.
[Archer throws up]
Pam: You get any of that in the trashcan?
Archer: No. I missed on purpose.

Pam: And that's the reason I never have sex with my coworkers. That... and no one ever lets me.
Krieger: I've had good results with ether.

Pam: And then he was like--
Cheryl: "You're a moped."
Pam: How'd you know? And what's it mean, anyway?
Cheryl: Mopeds are fun but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
Pam: Oh... I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. Only had ten beers.
Cheryl: Forties?
Pam: No... yes. Hence the shandy!

Pam: Frickin' head's poundin', I'm sweatin' booze and my head's killin' me!
Cheryl: You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it.
Pam: Personal best!
Lana: Your mother must be SO proud.

Pam: God damn it! We're moving!
Cheryl: I know!
Pam: What happened to half an hour?!
Cheryl: I lied!