Pam: Holy hell, what happened to you?
Malory: Scatterbrain Jane...

Pam: Holy shit, you geeks are badass.

Pam: Looks like Jonestown in here.
Malory: Yes, Pam, get me some poison, because I am already dead inside.
Pam: Too dead inside to read good news?
Malory: Is it my obituary?
Pam: Well, it's not that good.

Pam: Screw them! Especially Cheryl; I hope you kidnap the shit out of her.

Pam: So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation... what should we called it?
Cheryl: Dick Sledge.
Ray: You wanna...
Pam: No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?
Cheryl: Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge...
Pam: Sploosh!
Ray: Jinx.
Cheryl: ...but it was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in, so one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes or whatever, but...
Pam: You were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in...
Cheryl: Because he totally snuck up on me. And I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.
Pam: Why'd you have a knife?!
Cheryl: I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors, and it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed!
Pam: Holy shitsnacks.
Cheryl: Yeah, they said he could've gone pro.

Pam: So, you're ruining Cyril's life because, in your dream-the-impossible-dream world, it'll make Mr. Archer jealous?
Cheryl: Oh, Pamela, you read me like a poem.
Pam: Yeah? What's the poem gonna be about when Cyril snaps and murders you?
Cheryl: I don't know. World's gushiest orgasm?

Pam: This time really get in there. All you've been doing is giving one side hell.

Pam: What a hunk
Cheryl: Total sploosh.
Lana: Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.
Ray: And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Pam: Wow, you are just a dog in a manger.
Cheryl: I don't know what that means, Pam. I didn't grow up on a cheese farm.
Pam: Oh, for the-- It's called a dairy.

Pam: You know, I think we're making some real progress.
Cheryl: Where, in opposite world? We're never gonna finish all this!
Pam: We could, if certain people would help!
Krieger: [Standing behind stacked cardboard boxes] I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.

Pilot: [sigh] What an asshole...

Pirate Captain: What a hell, dumb guy?

Ramón: Mamá always said, "Ramón, un hombre real debe saber cocinar." ["A real man should know how to cook"]
Archer: Mine always said, "Sterling, come in here and check me for lumps." Holy shit, was that out loud?

Randy Gillet: [pointing gun] Don't you move. Don't move a inch.
Ray: What do you mean, "don't move"?! I came to help, you asshole!
Randy: Well, you ain't gonna be much help with your legs blown off. There's mines all in the yard.
Archer: Ray, to be honest, I'm kind of having second thoughts about this whole thing.
Cheryl: Uh, get in line.
Janelle: Randy Gillet, where are your manners? Get these folks the map of that damn minefield so they can come inside. [seductively] I've got some nice hot pie for 'em.
Archer: Okay, now I'm having third thoughts.
Ray: Oh, please don't.
Archer: It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot, but also moist... Although hopefully not flaky.

Randy: Do you want to have sex with my wife?
Archer: No! I... I swear, this was just an extremely unlikely mishap with the barbed wire.
Randy: Because we would be amenable to that. Well? Why do you look so nonplussed?
Archer: Because I wasn't sure if you knew what "amenable" actually meant, until you followed it up with "nonplussed."