Ray: [loading up in the armory] No, shut up, we go in, drop the journal, and get out--no snooping.
Pam: [wearing infrared goggles] Aw, come on! I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common, like...
Cheryl: Tons of cock porn lying around?
Pam: I don't have cock porn just layin' around! But sometimes, you know, you forget it's in the VCR.
Ray: How do you forget?
Pam: You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden, here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning, you forget it's in there! Until Mom and Dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.
Ray: Why would you think it's okay to share that?

Ray: For God's sake woman, are you hearing yourself? He's your son, not a...
Lana: Ray, she got him to quit drinking...
Ray: [Lifts guns] So what's the plan?

Ray: How 'bout a disgraced former minister. Long story, kinda boring, but I am still licensed by the state to perform marriages, the irony of which is not lost on me.

Ray: I'm coming out.
Archer: Ha ha, phrasing.

Ray: So is it just E.Z. coming or...
Randy: No, it's the whole sheriff's department. I'd say twenty men, AR-15s, maybe grenades, oh...dogs! Duh.
Archer: Ray, I'm having fourth thoughts.
Randy: Well I got a few tricks up my sleeve. Janelle, why don't you take Mr. Archer and show him the defensive perimeter.
Janelle: I'd be delighted.
Ray: [as Archer and Janelle walk out] Well, now, wait a second...
Archer: Fifth thoughts!
Ray: Archer!
Randy: Don't worry, she won't bite. But speaking of, it's about suppertime. You still partial to fried chicken?
Cheryl: [having snapped a rooster's neck] I'll cook it... if someone shaves it or whatever.

Ray: Viola!
Malory: No! I am not sharing a room with you!
Ray: No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it has two queens.
Malory: Where's the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?
Ray: Hey! You know what?
Lana: Ray, this is fine, two of us will just have to double up...
Malory: Exactly, two of you.
Ray: Exsqueeze me?

Ray: Yeah, it is the first thing they'd do. It's like, counter-intelligence 101.

Ray: You're taking me out of the field?
Malory: Well unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart...

Reggie: Good God, man, are you hourly?

Reggie: You scoundral. Is that brandy?
Woodhouse: Oh no sir, just water.
Reggie: Water? Oh, never touched the stuff. Fish shit in it.

Rip: You just killed like ten pirates.
Archer: Wow, if the five year old me knew that, he'd get a huge boner.

Rona: Lana, hush! If you sit quietly, the toxin should wear off in, like, four hours. But if you struggle, your heart could...
Archer: [Bursting in with his gun drawn] Freeze!

Rona: These like Kung-Fu monks make this fifty foot tape, like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp.
Lana: Ah...
Rona: And you swallow over, like, three days and you start to, y'know, pass it. Then you just slowly, slowly pull it out of you over three more days...
Lana: Wait, what?!
Rona: It pulls all the toxins out of your body. And you just feel so clean.
Archer: [Eavesdropping] Oh yeah? While you're tangled in a half-mile of shit covered tape? ... Frickin' actresses.

Rona: [with Lana's sniper scope] Oh my God, I can see my penthouse!
Lana: Well unless there's a sniper in it...
Rona: Well somebody's in it. Who the fuck's in my fucking penthouse?!
[In the penthouse are Ray and Pam with their hands up, and Cheryl, whose hands are behind her back]
Ray: We are! We're complying!
Cop: You! Get your fricking hands up!
Cheryl: You're not my supervisor!
Pam: Shut up, we're gonna go to prison.
Cheryl: No we're not. Say the right stuff, and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Ray: I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.

Russian Soldier: [Patting the voice-changing gadget] Is my new favourite device of ever.