Archer quotes
339 total quotesLana: [about Conway] And what do we know about this guy?
Archer: Only that he's uncircumcised.
Lana: [Pause] Okay, glossing over how you know that--
Archer: We touched penises.
Lana: NO, GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?
Archer: What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum--
Lana: That's not how it works!
Archer: Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.
Archer: Only that he's uncircumcised.
Lana: [Pause] Okay, glossing over how you know that--
Archer: We touched penises.
Lana: NO, GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?
Archer: What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum--
Lana: That's not how it works!
Archer: Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.
Lana: [As she and Archer try to run away] Go, go, go-- [Archer grabs her shirt and pulls her back to the ground as he runs away] AH! Are you really that selfish?!
Archer: Apparently!
Archer: Apparently!
Lana: [looking out the window of Cheryl's mansion] Is... that...
Cheryl: [rolling her eyes] Yesss...
Lana: The Roosevelt Mansion?!
Cheryl: It's a shitbox, they're weird.
Cheryl: [rolling her eyes] Yesss...
Lana: The Roosevelt Mansion?!
Cheryl: It's a shitbox, they're weird.
Lana: [To Malory] So as you can see, we are completely unprepared for this mission!
Archer: [Wearing night-vision goggles and holding a shovel] Unless it involves night-shoveling.
Archer: [Wearing night-vision goggles and holding a shovel] Unless it involves night-shoveling.
Lana: Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.
Malory: Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open... are they?
[Cut to garage]
Archer: Yes!
Ray: Why?!
Archer: Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!
Ray: Is it working?
Archer: Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!
Ray: I am gay.
Archer: Well, I'm not!
Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?
Malory: Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open... are they?
[Cut to garage]
Archer: Yes!
Ray: Why?!
Archer: Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!
Ray: Is it working?
Archer: Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!
Ray: I am gay.
Archer: Well, I'm not!
Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?
Lana: Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.
Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.
Lana: My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!
Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.
Lana: My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!
Lana: Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a snack?
[Later]
Lana: Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a tampon?
[Later]
Lana: Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a tampon?
Lana: If you want to know why Archer is Archer, you need to go back in time and have a threesome with Oedipus and Sigmund Freud!
Lana: No, as a matter of fact, I don't have Barry on speed-dial.
Cyril: Well, gee, that's rather surprising.
Lana: You know what's surprising? Kissing you goodbye at the airport, dozing off in first class, and then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee! That, to me, is rather surprising.
Cyril: And really expensive, turns out.
Cyril: Well, gee, that's rather surprising.
Lana: You know what's surprising? Kissing you goodbye at the airport, dozing off in first class, and then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee! That, to me, is rather surprising.
Cyril: And really expensive, turns out.
Lana: Ohh but he's such a douche bag...
Malory: I know dear, but he's also my son.
Lana: Not Archer. Well, also very much Archer. But I'm talking about Barry.
Barry: Who is in-fact sitting right here. Do you wanna... do it on the desk or... in the hallway? Where you wanna knock this out?
Malory: I know dear, but he's also my son.
Lana: Not Archer. Well, also very much Archer. But I'm talking about Barry.
Barry: Who is in-fact sitting right here. Do you wanna... do it on the desk or... in the hallway? Where you wanna knock this out?
Lana: OK, fine, I can't prove anything right now.
Mallory: That didn't stop J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King, now did it?
Lana: What does that have to do... Wait, J. Edna?
Mallory: You never heard that? How Hoover was a huge cross-dressing chicken hawk?
Lana: I had not.
Mallory: Well that's exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor that I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about that while you're on suspension.
Lana: While I'm on what?!
Mallory: What are you, deaf and racist?
Lana: I'm black!
Mallory: Oh, put it back in the deck.
Mallory: That didn't stop J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King, now did it?
Lana: What does that have to do... Wait, J. Edna?
Mallory: You never heard that? How Hoover was a huge cross-dressing chicken hawk?
Lana: I had not.
Mallory: Well that's exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor that I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about that while you're on suspension.
Lana: While I'm on what?!
Mallory: What are you, deaf and racist?
Lana: I'm black!
Mallory: Oh, put it back in the deck.