Krieger: Have you ever thought about having children?
Cheryl: Sometimes I think I'd like to adopt a little baby. [Pause] So I could abandon it at a mall.
Krieger: That answers my follow up question.

Krieger: I'm not a serial killer!
Archer: Wait, why did you emphasise "serial"?

Krieger: [as his mechanical robot hand chokes Cheryl] Oh, God! Sorry!
[He shuts the hand off]
Cheryl: What are you doing?!
Krieger: I thought you said "start slacking off."
Cheryl: Not "slacking off"!

Krieger: Every single noun and verb in that sentence totally arouses me.
Pam: And I'm so open to that.

Krieger: I need access to a two-inch drain, hot water, three GFCI outlets--this bathroom should do nicely--and a pot of coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter, preferably fair trade.

Krieger: I needed help...disseminating him.
Cheryl: Eww!
Pam: Not what it means.
Lana: Still pretty gross though.
Krieger: And brilliant. When I'm done with him, each one of us will walk out the front door carrying a small parcel.
Ray: How small?
Krieger: [holding hands a little over a foot apart] Eh. Then on our way home, we simply drop the parcels into seven different trash cans in three different boroughs.
Lana: That's...actually pretty smart.
Krieger: And hopefully, when you look at all the different drop points on a map, it'll look like a big smiley face.
Lana: That's actually pretty gross.

Krieger: I've developed a proprietary chemical compound which may come in handy. I call it Formula K.
Archer: And it makes you temporarily gay?
Krieger: I dunno. Just started human testing [whispering] by dosing Danny the Intern's coffee.
Danny the Intern: [in singsong voice] Danny is definitely feeling something!
Archer: I'll pass.
Krieger: Suit yourself. [Takes a pill] Just means more for me and Danny.
Danny the Intern: [singsong] Who is LOV-ing it!

Krieger: Press that red button.
Archer: Is it going to kill everyone?
Krieger: Press that blue button.
[Archer presses the button, activating a recording]
Model: Welcome, Mr. Archer...
Archer: It does know my name!
Model: ...to the Dodge Challenger Special Agent Edition, brought to you by Dodge.
Archer: Thanks, Dodge!
Model: [all features shown] Featuring a 440 V8 engine, six-speed manual transmission, and a top speed of 185. Heavy-duty suspension, runflat tires, bulletproof body panels and windows, twin 30-cal machine guns mounted in the front, antipursuit countermeasures in the rear.
Archer: It makes the Mach-5 look like a vagina.
Model: The interior boasts mil-spec GPS, satellite communications, hi-fi stereo, rich Corinthian leather.
Archer: Corinth is famous for its leather!
Model: And of course...
[She opens glove compartment revealing a bar with two bottles of liquor, two glasses, and ice]
Lawyer: [fast, over Archer's hysterical laughter] The in-dash bar is to be stocked with non-alcoholic beverages only. Dodge cannot stress this enough. Never ever ever drink and drive.

Krieger: These corporate bag munchers owe me $630 for my GODDAMN FLEX ACCOUNT.

Krieger: Uhhh ... SMOKEBOMB! [runs away]

Lana: [To Archer] What's up with your mother?
Archer: What comes after infuriated?

Lana: Pam! Get off Cyril!
Pam: [Coming out of the bathroom] I was trying to get him off, Buttinski!

Lana: What the hell are you doing?!
Archer: Shooting at his tires so he loses control and drives off the cliff!
Lana: With the bearer bonds!
Archer: Yes, Lana, with the... Dammit!

Lana: What would you say if I told you your mother made a phony bomb threat just to get a free ride on a blimp?
Archer: I'd say that's fairly classic her.

Lana: Why would she pay four millions dollars for unverified information?
Ray: Well, either she's getting Alzheimer's...
Archer: Hey.
Ray: Or it's another sex-tape.
Archer: HEY! [pause] Actually, that would not surprise me.