Archer quotes
339 total quotesCyril: Why are you even here?
Ray: Hello... [holding up number to bid on sex with Lana]
Cyril: But you're gay!
Ray: Girl, please, nobody's that gay.
Season 2
Ray: Hello... [holding up number to bid on sex with Lana]
Cyril: But you're gay!
Ray: Girl, please, nobody's that gay.
Season 2
Cyril: Will I get to learn karate?
Archer: Karate?! The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
Archer: Karate?! The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
Cyril: Yeah, she's kind of weird that way.
Conway: Yeah, she's kind of weird a bunch of ways.
Conway: Yeah, she's kind of weird a bunch of ways.
Cyril: Yep, see here? Kremensky just stole 50,000 from Archer's acount. Must have been doing it all along.
Archer: Apology accepted. Ass douche.
Cyril: Hey!
Archer: What?
Lana: [Points a gun at Archer] Call him that again.
Archer: Make me!
Lana: What?
Archer: What? Mother, do you see this! This is a hostile work environment.
Archer: Apology accepted. Ass douche.
Cyril: Hey!
Archer: What?
Lana: [Points a gun at Archer] Call him that again.
Archer: Make me!
Lana: What?
Archer: What? Mother, do you see this! This is a hostile work environment.
Cyril: You know tontines are illegal.
Pam: So are all kinds of shit, but look at these odds. Half the people that work here are field agents...
Cyril: ...who get killed in the line of duty all the time! And the control room...
Pam: ...is just one great big asbestos lawsuit waitin' to happen.
Cyril: Yeah, here are some more claims forms.
Pam: And how long you think this one's gonna be around?
[Indicating Cheryl/Carol, who's drinking rubber cement]
Cyril: Yeah, count me in.
Pam: So are all kinds of shit, but look at these odds. Half the people that work here are field agents...
Cyril: ...who get killed in the line of duty all the time! And the control room...
Pam: ...is just one great big asbestos lawsuit waitin' to happen.
Cyril: Yeah, here are some more claims forms.
Pam: And how long you think this one's gonna be around?
[Indicating Cheryl/Carol, who's drinking rubber cement]
Cyril: Yeah, count me in.
Cyril: You've cheated on Lana plenty.
Archer: Yeah, but with starlets, models. Oh, and one time, two actual princesses.
Pam: Two at the same time?
Archer: Yeah. They were sisters.
Pam: Sploosh!
Archer: Yeah, but with starlets, models. Oh, and one time, two actual princesses.
Pam: Two at the same time?
Archer: Yeah. They were sisters.
Pam: Sploosh!
Dr. Krieger: [on Elke] Like to get a physical from her.
Cyril: Or with her.
Lana: [performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.
Cyril: She probably uses the metric system.
Pam: Yeah, what do they use--kilowatts?
Dr. Krieger: No. In this case, it would be pascals.
Cheryl: Hey, Europe: be gayer.
Malory: Lana, release him!
Lana: As you wish. [She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.
Pam: I think they're kinda sexy.
Lana: Excuse me?
Cheryl: They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.
Cyril: Or with her.
Lana: [performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.
Cyril: She probably uses the metric system.
Pam: Yeah, what do they use--kilowatts?
Dr. Krieger: No. In this case, it would be pascals.
Cheryl: Hey, Europe: be gayer.
Malory: Lana, release him!
Lana: As you wish. [She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.
Pam: I think they're kinda sexy.
Lana: Excuse me?
Cheryl: They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.
Josh Gray: Lana, I really like your new hairdo.
Lana: Well, if you like the collar, you're gonna love the cuffs...
Lana: Well, if you like the collar, you're gonna love the cuffs...
Kellogg: What's taking so long?!
Horizon Drone: Couple things. One, I didn't invent whatever this door's made of, which is apparently some alloy of adamantium and mithril. And two, not really liking your tone!
Horizon Drone: Couple things. One, I didn't invent whatever this door's made of, which is apparently some alloy of adamantium and mithril. And two, not really liking your tone!
Kidnapper: Thanks for getting us inside, Pam. [beat] Someone shoot her.
Pam: Oh, OK, then good luck with all the biometric scanners. Unless you wanna cut off my fingers and scoop out my retinas. [Pause] Oh, don't be dicks!
Pam: Oh, OK, then good luck with all the biometric scanners. Unless you wanna cut off my fingers and scoop out my retinas. [Pause] Oh, don't be dicks!
Kidnapper: You idiots! This isn't Cheryl Tunt!
Pam: That's what I've been tryin' to tell ya. Between this little gal's love-taps-- [Kidnapper hits Pam in the face] Seriously, maybe see if your daddy'll give you a roll of nickels.
Pam: That's what I've been tryin' to tell ya. Between this little gal's love-taps-- [Kidnapper hits Pam in the face] Seriously, maybe see if your daddy'll give you a roll of nickels.
Kremensky: Picture her, dead in the gutter, and what your pathetic life would be like without old Mommy Dearest.
Lana: [Held at gunpoint by Archer] JESUS CHRIST! He's got an ERECTION!
Krenshaw: [holding Malory hostage, but suddenly pushes her away] What is wrong with you people!?
Archer: [shoots Krenshaw] Me? Nothing! You, on the other hand--
Mallory: [Hits Archer with her handbag] AN ERECTION?! The thought of me dying gives you an erection?!
Archer: Just half of one. The other half would have missed you. Oh wait...
Lana: [Held at gunpoint by Archer] JESUS CHRIST! He's got an ERECTION!
Krenshaw: [holding Malory hostage, but suddenly pushes her away] What is wrong with you people!?
Archer: [shoots Krenshaw] Me? Nothing! You, on the other hand--
Mallory: [Hits Archer with her handbag] AN ERECTION?! The thought of me dying gives you an erection?!
Archer: Just half of one. The other half would have missed you. Oh wait...
Krenshaw: Jesus, Archer. Do you think this is a game?
Archer: No, I think Jenga's a game, and...
Krenshaw: What if I'd been real KGB?
Archer: I assume you would be trying to suck a promotion out of some Russian guy's cock.
Krenshaw: Well, maybe I never get promoted...
Archer: ...and never will...
Krenshaw: ...because my mommy's not the boss!
Archer: And maybe you just got your face kicked off! [Archer puts his foot in Krenshaw's face] That is my foot in your face. Smell the embarrassme-- [Krenshaw shocks Archer's foot with a golf cart battery]
Archer: No, I think Jenga's a game, and...
Krenshaw: What if I'd been real KGB?
Archer: I assume you would be trying to suck a promotion out of some Russian guy's cock.
Krenshaw: Well, maybe I never get promoted...
Archer: ...and never will...
Krenshaw: ...because my mommy's not the boss!
Archer: And maybe you just got your face kicked off! [Archer puts his foot in Krenshaw's face] That is my foot in your face. Smell the embarrassme-- [Krenshaw shocks Archer's foot with a golf cart battery]
Krieger: But don't touch it. Lysergic acid can be absorbed right through the skin. Even the tip of your finger can... [Krieger accidentally touches the strip] oops.
Archer: Oh, for fuck's sake, Krieger! You're about to perform brain surgery!
'Krieger: Yeah... So sooner's going to be better than later.
Archer: Oh, for fuck's sake, Krieger! You're about to perform brain surgery!
'Krieger: Yeah... So sooner's going to be better than later.