Steve: (smells plant) Ahh, basil and snail poison; the sweet smell of summer.
Klaus: Hey, you should plant some of those, uh... I don't know what you call them here... Hitler melons.

Steve: (whispering about the young child on the swing set) There he is!
Roger: That little feelings-hurter is about to eat crow! I'm going to rub his nose in my nose!
Young Child: Mommy, look! It's the monster! (Roger gasps) The monster from the hit movie, Hollow Man!
Young Child's Mother: Oh my god! It IS Kevin Bacon! Normally I'd chastise you for watching an R-rated movie, but Kevin Bacon is an American treasure! Even when he's playing an invisible rapist!

Steve: [angry] Son of a bitch!!!!
(after Hayley kills off Steve's character in the video game)

Steve: [explaining how he got tickets to Battlestar Galactica On Ice] How does anybody anything?
(After Stan tells the story of how he married Joanna at the beach)

Steve: [referencing to Stan] What a boob.
Stan: What was that, Steve?
Steve: Um, I... asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.
Stan: I love it when you kids get along.

Steve: Chlorine. Bromine. Crap! Astatine! How could I forget? It has the words teen and ass in it.

Steve: Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?
Stan: [wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Steve: Dad, they just kidnapped Makeva!
Stan: All right, I understand "kidnapped." But what is "Makeva"? Ugh, I bet that little girl they stole could have told me.

Steve: Dad, you have to help me get Makeva back.
Stan: But I don't know what to do.
Steve: (slaps Stan; mockingly) "I don't know what to do." You can act like a man!
Stan: There's no hitting at Camp Refoogee.
Steve: Look, the Bawango rebels ruined our camp and took one of your campers. Are you going to let them get away with that?
(The refugees gather around Stan)
Stan: Don't move, Steve. Just give them your credit card and we'll cancel it when we get home.
Steve: Dad, these are your campers. They're rallying around you.
Stan: Oh, yes, right, right. Thanks, fellas.

Steve: Dollywood?
Roger: Dolly Parton's theme park! The rides give you the same experience as looking at her - fun from far way, but really scary up close. Anyway, it's on sale for $50 million.
Steve: You moron! You can't get $50 million for a kidney!
Roger: Would it hurt to say "Good idea, Roger" once in a while? [He pulls out a bottle of vodka from the tub.] This was to celebrate!

Steve: Geez, Roger, you're making Kevin Bacon look like a total douche.
Hayley: Yeah, you may be beautiful on the outside like Kevin Bacon, but you're ugly on the inside like Tommy Lee Jones... on the outside... and the inside.

Steve: Here she comes.
Stan: (looks at Debbie through the window) Where's Debbie? Behind that fat girl?
Steve: No, Dad, that's...
Stan: Is the fat girl going to lead us to Debbie?
Steve: No, that's...
Stan: She's carrying a purse. She must have a map to Debbie in her purse.
Steve: Dad, that's Debbie.
Stan: To the panic room!

Steve: No, no, Debbie. This break-up has nothing to do with my dad at all. It's just... you know, this is a really bad time for me. The Ghostbusters box set just came out. What, with that and the new Doom being released, I don't know I can give you the time you need. Forget me, big beautiful creature! [cries]
(Stan is at an anorexia support group, consisting entirely of anorexic teenage girls)

Steve: Now the world will never know the truth.
Stan: If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.
Steve: That's it!
[cutaway to Steve writing a Wikipedia article on "The Truth About Peanut Butter"]

Steve: So then it's cool to alienate gays?
Stan: Yes, it is, son. Gays are the new Blacks.