Oh. Oh, the pain! My moaning stems from pain!
S2 E12A.T. The Abusive Terrestrial
I can't believe you're still upset. It's been a week.
You called me a pig.
I didn't say you were a pig. I said that dress made you look like a pig. And those shoes didn't help. All your fat, sweaty toes shoved in there like 20 Hondurans stuffed in a giant... shoe.
Steve [to Roger]: You sound just like Daphne Zuniga from that Lifetime movie, and you remember what happened to her.
Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family! Well, I'm not going to let that happen to me.
What's wrong with you? You look horrible.
I've had this flu for, like, 2 weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...
I was talking to Steve.
Klaus [sarcastically]: Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!
Henry [to Roger]: You don't appreciate what I've done for you! I made you lieutenant! You were a cook when we started playing!
Ah, Mr. Pibb. The cornerstone of our love. Delicious, refreshing, and totally lacking in pretension!
(about Roger staying with Henry) Why does he stay, Hayley?! Why does he stay?
Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.
Jeff [appears from the pantry]: Can I come out of the pantry now, babe?
I said I'll get you when I'm ready! (throws her coffee mug at him)
S2 E13Black Mystery Month
You mean Jenga?
Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.
Come on, Steve, why don't you pick an interesting black person, like Dr. Daniel Williams, who performed the first successful open heart surgery, or Tim Meadows, the luckiest man in show business.
[the phone rings, a man picks it up]
MMan
Yes?
[seriously] I'm afraid we have some chocolate in our peanut butter.
Forget about your report on Carver. Just do it on Will Smith. Oh wait, you need a black guy.
Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illuminati?
Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!
Now the world will never know the truth.
If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.
That's it!
[cutaway to Steve writing a Wikipedia article on "The Truth About Peanut Butter"]
[to Roger, on the phone] Roger, I know it's you. I can hear your humidifier.
Now that the seeds of mistrust are sprouting, we must harvest them. [puts on headphones and starts recording the phone call; he signals for Hayley to start; Hayley dials Trudy's number]
TTrudy
Hello?
Miss Lawrence, just a few questions for a fitness survey. Where do you typically work out?
TTrudy
At the gym.
Good. And where is it located?
TTrudy
About 3 miles north of here.
After you work out, how do you relax?
TTrudy
I get a massage.
And when your car is not in "drive", it's in…
TTrudy
"Park"!
And if you're from Brazil, you're…
TTrudy
You're Brazilian! Look. Is this a crank call?
Hold, please.
TTrudy
I can't wait around. I'm leaving to meet…
[hangs up] Did you get it?
Got it.
[he dials Miles' number; cut to Miles' home; his phone rings]
AMAnswering machine
Please leave a message.
[a tone is heard, then Steve, after editing a recording of the phone conversation, plays it just as Miles walks up to his phone]
TTrudy
Hello,… Jim.
MMiles
Who's Jim?
TTrudy
I… can't… wait… to… massage… your… Brazilian… crank. Meet… me… at… 3:00… at the…
[Steve plays a second of West End Girls]
PSPet Shop Boys
West End.
TTrudy
Of the... park. I'm… leaving… Miles.
MMiles
She must've dialed my number by mistake. She's cheating on me!
[he falls to his knees in tears as Hayley and Steve laugh and dance victoriously]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.