Steve: You mean Jenga?
Roger: Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.

(Roger and Stan are stoned on marijuana smoke and wasting time at the local convenience store)
Roger: Why do my wrists hurt?!
Stan: Because you're lying on them.
Roger: How can you hear what I'm thinking?

[a train appears, separating Jeff from Stan and Roger]
Stan: Damn it, Roger! He's getting away! [the train passes, revealing that Jeff is still there] Why didn't you run for it?
Jeff: You wanna know why? Because I didn't think of it. [blows into a flute] Oh, Seamus McPherson, present yourself! [nothing happens] GOD! WHERE'S MY LEPRECHAUN!?! [another train appears and Jeff hops on the caboose]
Stan: Great. Well Roger, I guess it's just you and me. [cocks Roger's shotgun, then shoots the front wheel of Roger's motorcycle] And now it's just me.
Roger: Wait! How will I get out of here?
Stan: Try jogging, you gross bowling pin! [drives off and suddenly a leprechaun appears next to Roger]
Leprechaun: You flute me?
Roger: Huh? Oh, no. That was Jeff. He hopped on a train.
Leprechaun: Oh. Jeff, huh? Well, you tell your boy this still counts as one. He got two left. [heads into a bush, then swats a bug on his neck]. Mm, they love me. [disappears into a bush]

[after learning the prize is a set of wigs]
Roger: Stan you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.
Stan: But you just said I shouldn't--
Roger: That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish. [smack] Bad Stan! Oh, I meant to say "bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [smack] I dunno, I like it both ways.

[after receiving a delivery of film reels from Hayley]
Hayley: [reading the inside covers] Porky's? Meatballs II? Enjoy your crap-fest.
Roger: Oh, go read The Bell Jar, you poser!

[Barry is holding an axe with blood all over his shirt. He has killed a calf named Rosie]
Barry: Her eyes said, "Why?"
Stan: [eating a cut of face meat] Yeah, you can still see the look of betrayal. Can't grill that off.

[Stan has gone to God to get a second chance]
God: I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.
Stan Smith: What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.
God: Look, everything happens for a reason.
Stan Smith: What reason could there be?
God: Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.
Stan Smith: What?
God: [laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.
[Stan draws a "Heaven Gun", which can kill anything]
Stan Smith: We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!
God: Not gonna happen.
Stan Smith: You have to!
God: Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?
Stan Smith: No. Yes. I don't know.
God: Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.
Stan Smith: I don't do that!
God: Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I can't think of a metaphor that's better than this.

[Steve is playing Dragonscuffle while Klaus is watching]
Klaus: Please, let me play!
Steve: I don't think you're ready yet.
Klaus: Not ready? I've been watching you for four years!
Steve: Night time. [covers his bowl with a cloth]
Klaus: I'm not a parrot. That trick won't work on- [snores]

[the family is dressed up and about to go to a banquet honoring minorities in America]
Stan: Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!

[the phone rings, a man picks it up]
Man: Yes?
Principal Lewis: [seriously] I'm afraid we have some chocolate in our peanut butter.