[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Francine: Well, I'd better run. George Clooney's head is about to have a big opening weekend.
Stan: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing, no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell, Francine? What is this really about? I mean, I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just cut my hair different for a while.
Francine: What is this about? Just look at that fucker with cucumbers on his eyes! Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stan: Oh, God. This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine: Midlife crisis? Wait. Future senator? Oh, I will fucking chop his head in two!
Stan: Francine, don't you see? Sure, Clooney has no cares, no one that depends on him, but... he has no one that depends on him. But you, you have a family: A son, a daughter...
Francine: ...and a husband who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stan: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh]
Francine: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn to Clooney]
Francine: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.
Season 2

[Francine runs after Stan, trips over the mop and goes face first into the doorknob giving her a black eye]:
[Two cops come up to her]:
Francine: I deserved it for leaving the mop out.

[Francine tries to convince Stan to keep Fussy the dog, but Stan refuses]
Stan: Forget it, Francine! We've already got something girly and annoying in this house. It's called Roger.

[God in the form of Angelina Jolie is talking to Steve]
God: You know, Steve, you'll be all grown up before you know it. So in the meantime, why not enjoy being a kid a little longer? Because it doesn't last forever.
[Pause]
Steve: Hey, can I see your boobs?

[Hayley and Jeff are on the hike]
Hayley: Look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a break-up hike.
Jeff: What? But-but we're so good together.
Hayley: No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.
Jeff: You're right. I so do that.

[Hayley enters her room, where Steve and Klaus are reading her diary]
Hayley: What are you doing?
Klaus: Hayley, good. You're here. I caught Steve red-handed.
Steve: Why, you- [to Hayley] Look, I'm just reaching out to you. Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know my own sister? [mocking voice] And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot?

[Hayley notices that Jeff is eating corn-dog in the movie theater]
Hayley: Jeff, that's a corn-dog! We're vegetarian!
Jeff: Still?

[Hayley, working as a bar girl at the strip club, brings a guy a beer]
Man: Hey, waitress! Bring me another beer.
Hayley: But I just brought you one.
Man: Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. [pours beer down his pants]

[Jeff is standing drunk in front of the Smith house]
Jeff: Hayley! Hayley! [Hayley shows up]
Hayley: What do you want, Jeff?
Jeff: I've been drinking all night so I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman. And I demand you come back.
Hayley: No.
Jeff: Okay. Bye.

[Klaus, Hayley and Jeff are sitting around stoned, after having eaten marijuana brownies]
Klaus: They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
Hayley: Wow ... wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?
[The doorbell rings; loud knocking is heard.]
Klaus: Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!
Hayley: Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!
Klaus: It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!

[last lines]
Stan: So, what if Chuck White is deacon now? So what if he has a bigger paycheck and a bigger car and a nicer house? None of that matters, because I've got-- [looks at Steve, smiles, then looks at Hayley. Does a face and points at her; unfazed at Steve, and looks at his plate. Peers at Steve at depressed state, looks at his plate once more.]

[Roger and Hayley talking about Jack in Hayley's room]
Roger: Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do hundred.
Hayley: Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?
Roger: No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?

[Roger explaining the "secret ingredient" in Francine's potato salad]
Roger: Last night I ate all your potato salad, and I tried to make more but there was no mayo, so instead I used... [to Francine] Well, pull my finger.
[Francine does so. Roger's milk squirts out of his breasts. Francine, Heyley and Steve vomit in disgust]
Roger: Mystery solved.
Stan: I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?

[Roger sits at the dinner table with a cigarette in his mouth]
Stan: Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking in the house!
Roger: And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.

[Stan and Francine are making out on the kitchen table. Steve walks in. Stan jumps off the table immediately while Francine is still laying on it]
Stan: Steve!
Steve: Is this a bad time?
Stan: No, no. I was just buffing the table with your mother. [starts doing so]