[Stan and Francine in the market]
Stan: Saudi Arabia is the greatest country in the world!
Francine: Greatest country in the world?
[singing]
We packed our bags we hopped a plane, we left our happy home.
Stan: Uh, Francine, singing is kinda illegal here...
Francine:
The culture seemed a bit insane, but you said "Hey, when in Rome..."
Stan: Uh, seriously Francine ix-nay on the inging-say..
Francine:
Maybe you've got no reason to complain...
But I've got no Y chromosome.
[speaking]
So here's what I don't like about Saudi Arabia. Hit it!
You can't go out unless you are escorted by a man.
And when you do you come home with a butt crack full of sand.
No alcohol, no rum and cokes, and no Dom Perignon.
At least a girl can have a smoke.
Man: But not on Ramadan.
Oh it's a land of joy, if you are a boy.
But if you are a girl, it's the worst place in the world.
Stan: Ok Francine, we get it.
Francine: Oh but I'm just getting started.
American girls, we do pilates.
Starve ourselves until we're hotties.
Why? Because we like our bodies!
Check me out, you uptight Saudis!
[Francine strips down to lingere and boots]
Oh it's so awfully grand.
Stan: Come on Francine, stop singing.
Francine: If you are a man.
Stan: I'm only back-up singing.
Francine: If you don't take me home soon Stan I think I'm gonna hurl...
It's the worst place in the world.
Stan: I started this point system and she's way behind.
Francine: I only want to see the world, explore, and socialize.
But in this town I can't so much as look at other guys!
Cause if I did they'd call me harlot, whore, adulteress.
I'd bet my last riyal you fellas won't approve of this!
Who wants a kiss?
[Francine kisses all the men in the market]

[Stan and Jack are about to break in to the vault of National Gallery of Art]
Jack: Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman.
Stan: Right. So we should pound on it for, like, two minutes?

[Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]
Stan: This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
[later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
Stan: Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
Klaus: You're watching The Price Is Right.
Stan: Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!

[Stan gets up from hot tub naked.]
Greg: Take a picture, why don't you?
Terry: I'm just being polite. It'd be rude not to look.

[Stan is about to punch Roger, and Roger accidentally hits Stan in the crotch. Stan groans and falls on his knees]
Roger: Oh, God, I forgot. That's where you humans keep your boys. I'm so, so sorry. Here, let me help. [punches him in the crotch again] Don't be startin' what you can't finish, bitch.

[Stan is at the dentist]
Dentist: Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class A grinder. Now, I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father one fateful afternoon in Rome. No, you're a Class A grinder, meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces.
Stan: Braces? You've got to be kidding!
Dentist: I only wish, Mr. Smith. And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love with that filthy fat gypsy. And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no!" before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room. But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces.
Stan: But I've already had braces, doctor! I've paid my dues!
[The last line triggers a flashback of his father and the monkey, which apparently traumatizes the Dentist to the point of becoming emotionless.]
Dentist: [grimly] Do we ever pay our dues, Mr. Smith?

[Steve enters the bathroom, where Stan is about to "heal" himself]
Steve: Dad! There you are!
Stan: Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.

[Steve is calling India]
Steve: Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.
[Roger takes the receiver from him]
Roger: Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.

[Steve, after tutoring a girl, tries to convince her that Roger, his "sister," is a burn victim]
Steve: I remember when my sister had her accident. Oh, did I not mention my sister, who was horrifically burned to over 98% of her body?
Kim: That's terrible!
Steve: Only her taint survived.

[US airport, Stan kisses the ground]
Hayley: Gee Dad, 24 hours ago you hated America.
Stan: Oh ha ha ha, shut the hell up Hayley.
But you know, I will admit America has its flaws.
Steve: Really Dad, like what?
[singing]
Stan: Well there's...
Free speech, and there's gun control, and lousy Democrats.
The media's too liberal and everyone's too fat.
The women have careers and form opinions of their own.
We let our wives control our lives...
Francine: Damn it's good to be home!
[family singing]
Our life's not always great, in these United States.
But remember boys and girls...
It's not the worst place in the world!
Steve: It's not the worst place in the world, yeah yeah.