(Hayley and Jeff knock Roger into the pool and escape on a helicopter rope ladder)
Roger (as he climbs out of the pool; to Hayley and Jeff): Are you crazy pushing me in the pool?! I have forty hits of ecstacy in my pocket! (to the kids in the pool): Buckle up, kids. (to the parents at poolside): They're gonna have to go to the hospital.

(Roger and Stan are stoned on marijuana smoke and wasting time at the local convenience store)
Roger: Why do my wrists hurt?!
Stan: Because you're lying on them.
Roger: How can you hear what I'm thinking?

(Roger as Jenny Fromdabloc is crying as she reads the inscription on the stress ball)
Roger/Jenny: "Sons of Tucson: New on FOX"? When was this on? I watch FOX all the time. I never saw this!

(Roger finds his way to Thailand and talks to a passing beach waiter)
Roger: I'll have three twelve-year-old boys, no MSG.

(Roger is staying in the locker room of a YMCA)
Francine: I got your message that you were staying here? Roger, this YMCA stopped renting out rooms, like, 30 years ago.
Roger: What? I just put up all my pictures. (shows Francine photos of him dressed as a pigtailed, redheaded girl riding and playing with a horse)
Francine: Oh, I wish you and Stan could just patch things up.
Roger: It's too late. (sits on the locker room bench next to a man facing his locker and wearing a towel): I've been replaced! (sobs)
(The man next to him turns around and Roger uses the corner of his towel to wipe his tears. Roger gets a look at the man's crotch)
Roger (suggestively): Good for you.

(Stan comes home bloodied from his fight with Roger as Jesus)
Francine: Stan, what happened to you?
Stan (looks down at his blood-soaked Santa suit): I sat next to Courtney Love on the bus and she sneezed.

(Stan is on the phone arranging for party entertainment)
Stan: Hello, I'd like a moonbounce and a sober clown for a birthday party on Saturday? [beat]: Well, do you know the number of someone who knows a sober clown? [beat]]: No, I don't think I'm asking for the world...

(Stan is yelling at Hayley for dying her hair green and going to an Independent Party rally)
Stan: You missed family game night for that?! Go wash it out; you look like a slutty wad of money.
Hayley: No way!
Stan: [quickly reassembles, points gun at Hayley] Yes way!
Francine: Stan!
Stan: She started it!

(Steve and Roger walk in on Stan as he hangs himself)
Steve: Oh my God! Dad!
Roger: Wait, he's still breathing. Stan, are you trying to kill yourself or thrill yourself?

(The morning after: Hayley wakes up to find that Stan shaved her head in her sleep)
Francine: It's okay honey, you don't look like a giant penis.

It's great if you're from Mars, but not if you're from Venus.
If you want to drive a car, you'd better have a penis.
So if you've got a vagina...
Man: Ohhh!
A vulva..
Man: Eeee!
A clitoris...
Man: What is a clitoris?
And a labia...
You see where I'm going with this.
Stay the hell away from Saudi Arabia!

[a shaken Roger is sitting on the couch, holding a drink and covered in towels]
Francine: I told you it was complicated.
Roger: No, no, no, changing planes at O'Hare is complicated. Th-this is... th-this is just... Frannie, what is this?

[a train appears, separating Jeff from Stan and Roger]
Stan: Damn it, Roger! He's getting away! [the train passes, revealing that Jeff is still there] Why didn't you run for it?
Jeff: You wanna know why? Because I didn't think of it. [blows into a flute] Oh, Seamus McPherson, present yourself! [nothing happens] GOD! WHERE'S MY LEPRECHAUN!?! [another train appears and Jeff hops on the caboose]
Stan: Great. Well Roger, I guess it's just you and me. [cocks Roger's shotgun, then shoots the front wheel of Roger's motorcycle] And now it's just me.
Roger: Wait! How will I get out of here?
Stan: Try jogging, you gross bowling pin! [drives off and suddenly a leprechaun appears next to Roger]
Leprechaun: You flute me?
Roger: Huh? Oh, no. That was Jeff. He hopped on a train.
Leprechaun: Oh. Jeff, huh? Well, you tell your boy this still counts as one. He got two left. [heads into a bush, then swats a bug on his neck]. Mm, they love me. [disappears into a bush]

[after Karl Rove is seated at the kitchen table]
Hayley: Wait, I know you! You're the amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!
Karl Rove: Thank you.

[after Klaus reveals that Roger ate all of Francine's potato salad.]
Roger: You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?
Klaus: I'm German. It's what we do.