Tearjerker (Roger): [rising up in a zeppelin] You'll never catch me! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah..! [Stan is right next to him] Just climbed right up the ropes, didn't ya? I told the contractor retractable ropes because I foresaw this very situation. I tell you, when I build my next lair, I'm going to do a lot of things differently: more quicksand, more death beams, and a bench in the shower 'cause sometimes I like to sit down.

Tearjerker: [before he and his escape pod crash into a volcano] Mike, you're the worst contractor eveeeerrrrrr...!

Tearjerker: Never hire a contractor just because he's gorgeous.

Tearjerker: Oh, my God, you smell that? I had a pickle an hour ago; came with my Reuben. I'm so fat...

Tearjerker: The film is opening on 500,000 screens in just a few minutes. With all the crap I'm releasing against it, people will have no choice but to see Oscar Gold and..then..they..will..cry... and..die... Pie? You can't have any.

Tearjerker: Why is everyone leaving? Why aren't they staying and dying?!
Mani (Terry): Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! [Tearjerker shove both, looking at the laptop]
Tearjerker: Smith! He found the one thing people want to see more than a Holocaust movie about a mentally retarded boy with a cancer riddled puppy!
Tchochkie (Klaus): [gasps] Celebrity babies! They're all going home to see them online!

Terry Bates: You may notice that my partner Greg isn't here. That's because he was Raptured. Apparently, God does love gays but only if they're "tops". Take it in the behind, you get left behind.

Tom: Hey, Stanny Boy! Frantastic! Get up here, the view is amazing!
Stan: Did you hear that? They gave us nicknames! The only nickname I ever got was in eighth grade. They called me Stan Frank because I was always hiding and writing in my diary.

Waitress: Breadsticks, courtesy of table four. [two men wave at Stan and Steve]
Stan: Thanks, fellas, thank you. Wave to the nice men, Steve. Not too eager, son, they just bought us bread; they didn't let us take the Jag out for a spin.

Waitress: Thank you very much, Mrs. Smith.
Stan: You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom.
Francine: I did both.
Stan: Well you can just do it all, can't you?

(after Roger reveals that he was the girl who kissed Steve at a Spin-the-Bottle party)
Steve: YOU were Alicia Wilkner?! We went on seven dates!
Roger: Nine. I roofied you on that last two. Nothing happened. Wink-wink.

(after Stan breaks the cross for the Christmas pageant)
Stage Hand: Well, that's just great. Now what am I supposed to burn on my ethnic neighbor's lawn?

(after Stan fails to convince Brett that God exists)
Stan: Brett, wait! The Lord is my shepherd, but you're my ride home!

(At a forest, Hayley rings Stan's phone, revealing the ruse)
Hayley: Dad?
Stan: (answers it) Uh, hello. Hey, Johnny, yeah. (to Hayley) It's work. (on the phone) Well, look in the book. Is it a warehouse item? (to Hayley, whispers) Five minutes.
Hayley: Dad, you're talking to me on the phone, and in your voice. (after a long pause, Hayley found out what was going on) Oh my God! Are You KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Stan: Uh, I love you honey! I said it. See? **Hayley, wait! I can explain! I had a good reason. (Hayley brings out a box of matches) Oh, you grabbed some matches from the hotel-- little keepsake. Now, you don't want to tear one of those out. The serious collector keeps his matchbooks intact. (Hayley rips out a match and stikes it) Oh, now it's worthless.**
**[Only on DVD]

(Before Steve and his friends get beat up)
Steve: If we're lucky, We might just take a few of them with us!!
(After Steve and his friends get beat up)
Steve: We're not taking any of them with us!!!