[after learning the prize is a set of wigs]
Roger: Stan you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.
Stan: But you just said I shouldn't--
Roger: That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish. [smack] Bad Stan! Oh, I meant to say "bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [smack] I dunno, I like it both ways.

[after receiving a delivery of film reels from Hayley]
Hayley: [reading the inside covers] Porky's? Meatballs II? Enjoy your crap-fest.
Roger: Oh, go read The Bell Jar, you poser!

[after Roger successfully tricks Steve into thinking that Stan and Francine kidnapped him as a toddler due to Steve eating Roger's cookie]
Stan: Hey, son!
Steve: Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]
Stan: [after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?
Hayley: Steve! What are you doing?
Steve: [suavely] Something we've wanted to do for years, "sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]
Roger: [in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.

[after Steve tells his friends that he was making out with a chick that is 80]
Snot: Dude, she's got wrinkles!
Steve: So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.

[as Stan and Francine are making out]
Francine: Oh Stan, don't ever put your bike on the front of the bus.
Stan: Don't worry, the bus is for foreigners.

[At the court in Saudi Arabia]
Judge: I'm sorry, counselor. What did you say your name is?
Counselor: Irv Rosenblatt.
Judge: Guilty!
Counselor: Every single case! Oy, this is a tough town.

[At the mall, Jeff is saved by Stan from some rubble, and they talk about Hayley]
Jeff: ...But why'd she go so crazy?
Stan: Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out. I don't know why; it's always been that way...
[Flashback to kindergarten; Hayley is crushed on by boy named "Jon"; she is happy; new girl arrives, boy crushes on her instead; in response, Hayley destroys classroom, killing the class hamster in the process]
Stan: The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant...

[Barry is holding an axe with blood all over his shirt. He has killed a calf named Rosie]
Barry: Her eyes said, "Why?"
Stan: [eating a cut of face meat] Yeah, you can still see the look of betrayal. Can't grill that off.

[Cell Phone Ringing]
Judge: That's me. Sorry. Hang on. Yello. Oh, hello, sir. What? But they're infidels. Fine. Great. (gets off the phone) Rock blocked. You're free to go.

[Foster children are working in Roger's vineyard]
Roger: That's right, foster children. Hard work builds character.
Foster Child: Water break, boss?
Roger: Oh, honey, don't call me "boss". That makes me feel like some kind of monster. Call me "Dad".
Foster Child: Water break, Dad?
Roger: No.

[Francine and Toddler Steve are in the mall, and Francine is holding Steve's hand]
Francine: Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman.
Toddler Steve (calmly): I just wanna let you know, that I'm speaking calmly, but there's a tantrum brewing in me, the likes of which this mall has never seen.

[Francine has discovered that Stan has been abducting his mother's boyfriends]
Stan: Francine, I can explain: [voice changes to a whiny tone] she's my mommy!

[Francine is pointing a gun at Stan to get him to release their neighborhood from their backyard]
Francine: Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over!
Stan: Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired [Francine's arm starts to shake], then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex. [she drops the gun, groans in agitation and leaves the room] Wh-where are you--Francine! W-well, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?!

[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Francine: Well, I'd better run. George Clooney's head is about to have a big opening weekend.
Stan: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing, no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell, Francine? What is this really about? I mean, I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just cut my hair different for a while.
Francine: What is this about? Just look at that fucker with cucumbers on his eyes! Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stan: Oh, God. This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine: Midlife crisis? Wait. Future senator? Oh, I will fucking chop his head in two!
Stan: Francine, don't you see? Sure, Clooney has no cares, no one that depends on him, but... he has no one that depends on him. But you, you have a family: A son, a daughter...
Francine: ...and a husband who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stan: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh]
Francine: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn to Clooney]
Francine: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.
Season 2

[Francine is sunbathing]
Francine: Seriously, I'm gonna die one day and I want to make sure I left something behind that can be proud of.
Klaus: What about your kids?
Francine: Nah. [sets her margarita on the table and lifts her sunglasses up] I'm talking about something more permanent. I want to invent a catchphrase. Something is perfound as... all that and a bag of chips!
Klaus: Oh, come on. Don't you think everyone has tried coming up with a catchphrase? It's next to impossible.
Francine: Well, Klaus. I'm gonna do it. And... you can put that frog in the cassarole.
Klaus: [sighs] Bitch.
(Steve just drank and threw away Stan's can of soda)