[Francine pulls up]
Francine: Sorry things didn't work out with your new roommate, Roger.
Roger: I tell you, it's a cruel, cruel world out here. Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich? A sandwich, Francine. [shows a sub] This sandwich. [eats it] I wish I could just come home.
Francine: So come home. We want you there.
Roger: Stan doesn't. As far as he's concerned, the only reason I was living there was the life debt he owed me. And now it's repayed.
Francine: Forget about the life debt. Stan's too proud to admit he misses you, but I know he does. Hey! What if you offered to pay rent? Then Stan would have a perfect excuse to take you back.
Roger: You know, that could actually work. I don't mind paying a little rent. All right, I'm coming home! [throws the sub at a pedestrian] Hi, kids.
(Roger meets Andy Dick)

[Francine runs after Stan, trips over the mop and goes face first into the doorknob giving her a black eye]:
[Two cops come up to her]:
Francine: I deserved it for leaving the mop out.

[Francine tries to convince Stan to keep Fussy the dog, but Stan refuses]
Stan: Forget it, Francine! We've already got something girly and annoying in this house. It's called Roger.

[God in the form of Angelina Jolie is talking to Steve]
God: You know, Steve, you'll be all grown up before you know it. So in the meantime, why not enjoy being a kid a little longer? Because it doesn't last forever.
[Pause]
Steve: Hey, can I see your boobs?

[Hayley and Jeff are on the hike]
Hayley: Look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a break-up hike.
Jeff: What? But-but we're so good together.
Hayley: No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.
Jeff: You're right. I so do that.

[Hayley enters her room, where Steve and Klaus are reading her diary]
Hayley: What are you doing?
Klaus: Hayley, good. You're here. I caught Steve red-handed.
Steve: Why, you- [to Hayley] Look, I'm just reaching out to you. Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know my own sister? [mocking voice] And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot?

[Hayley holds Stan at gunpoint]
Stan: Okay Hayley, I give up. This whole thing was my fault anyway. You were on your own path to happieness, and if killing me will put you back on that path then go ahead. Just know that I love you and I always will. You're my little girl. Now, if you still feel you can pull that trigger-
[Hayley shoots him]

[Hayley is in the hospital]
Stan: I...might not be Hayley's father? You've cheated on me?
Francine: I'm sorry. It happened a few days before our wedding at my bachelorette party.
Stan: A few days before the wedding? While I was dealing with small details that ultimately made of the most beautiful day of my life? A box of flip-flops so the girls could dance.
Francine: I was freaking out that my life was changing. I was going from being this party girl to being someone's wife. And I got drunk and [sighs] It was the biggest mistake I ever made. Can you ever forgive me?
[Stan comes close to her]
Stan: You... big... whore. I don't know why I'm holding you like this. It must be very confusing.
Doctor: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, bad news. Your daughter's second kidney's only working at 20%.

[Hayley notices that Jeff is eating corn-dog in the movie theater]
Hayley: Jeff, that's a corn-dog! We're vegetarian!
Jeff: Still?

[Hayley's trigger phrase]
Stan: I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!

[Hayley, working as a bar girl at the strip club, brings a guy a beer]
Man: Hey, waitress! Bring me another beer.
Hayley: But I just brought you one.
Man: Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. [pours beer down his pants]

[in a parody of the James Bond opening, Stan walks into the view of the gun barrel and goes to shoot at it, but ends up getting shot]
Stan: Ow! What the hell?! Wait, you're a gun? I always thought you were an eyeball or something! [walks away, clutching his gun wounds] Douche.

[In an Arts and Crafts Academy]
Teacher: Oh, we're so glad to have you, Hayley. I know it's not easy to pose nude.
Hayley [in robe]: Maybe for some people. But I am a proud and evolved woman. And I have nothing to be ashamed of.
[Removes robe]
Roger: Nnnice... (Waves/smiles)
Hayley: (Gasps, covers herself)
Roger: Madam, please, uncover yourself! Does anyone have Areola Pink? I've only got one tube...

[Jeff is standing drunk in front of the Smith house]
Jeff: Hayley! Hayley! [Hayley shows up]
Hayley: What do you want, Jeff?
Jeff: I've been drinking all night so I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman. And I demand you come back.
Hayley: No.
Jeff: Okay. Bye.

[Klaus is riding on a model train]
Francine: Klaus, you got the train to work.
Klaus: Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.
[everyone gasps]
Klaus: No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.