[Klaus, Hayley and Jeff are sitting around stoned, after having eaten marijuana brownies]
Klaus: They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
Hayley: Wow ... wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?
[The doorbell rings; loud knocking is heard.]
Klaus: Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!
Hayley: Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!
Klaus: It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!

[last lines]
Stan: So, what if Chuck White is deacon now? So what if he has a bigger paycheck and a bigger car and a nicer house? None of that matters, because I've got-- [looks at Steve, smiles, then looks at Hayley. Does a face and points at her; unfazed at Steve, and looks at his plate. Peers at Steve at depressed state, looks at his plate once more.]

[nine months later...]
Steve: Ok you win, just do it already!
Klaus: Do what?
Roger: Get your revenge!
Steve: The water slide? the practical joke?
Klaus: Ohh yes, I had forgotten...
Roger: GOOD, good... us too.
Klaus: But now that you reminded me...the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished! My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I SHALL NOT BE DENIED MY VENGEANCE...HAHAHAHAHA
Roger: [covers the fishbowl with a stack of books] Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that NINE months ago.

[Roger and Hayley talking about Jack in Hayley's room]
Roger: Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do hundred.
Hayley: Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?
Roger: No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?

[Roger and Stan pretend to meet for the first time at the CIA]
Roger: What's your name?
Stan: [through clenched teeth] Stan.
Roger: Hmm, I already know a "Stan". I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee.
[Stan doesn't move]
Roger: Today, Mortimer James!
[turns to Bullock]
Roger: I add his middle name when I'm dissapointed in him.

[Roger confronts the first family he lived with who abandoned him. The family's teenaged son, Tyler, comes home]
Tyler: What's going on?
Roger (sarcastically): Oh, look, it's Tyler -- all grown up like a big shot. (loses the sarcasm as he gives Tyler a onceover): You turned out cute. (suggestively): Real cute! (giggles): Damn it! (continues giggling): I'm -- I'm laughing now 'cuz I'm nervous. (giggles, then tries to catch his breath): Oh, boy, (tugs at the crotch of his pants): these khakis are not getting any looser.

[Roger explaining the "secret ingredient" in Francine's potato salad]
Roger: Last night I ate all your potato salad, and I tried to make more but there was no mayo, so instead I used... [to Francine] Well, pull my finger.
[Francine does so. Roger's milk squirts out of his breasts. Francine, Heyley and Steve vomit in disgust]
Roger: Mystery solved.
Stan: I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?

[Roger is at this deathbed because his unreleased "bitchiness" turns to bile.]
Roger: OK. Send me Steve. Dance for me.
[Steve dances]
Roger: Mm hm. OK. OK, that's enough. I've got what I need. You are terrible. You've got no rhythm, no coordination. I've... I've seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace.
[flower perks up]
Roger: If your goal was to inspire a feeling of despair the like of which hasn't been felt since Whoopi hosted the Oscars, then bravo.
Francine: OK, I think that's enough, Roger.
Stan: Honey, no. It's good for the both of them.
Roger: I can envision millions of Americans and rising up as one and demanding legislation that would require your legs to be amputated, burned and buried next to Hitler. In short, you suck. [at his feet] Oh yeah, that's the stuff

[Roger mistakenly calls Steve "Scotty"]
Steve: Scotty?
Roger: That's my new nickname for you... your favorite Star Trek character!
Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

[Roger sits at the dinner table with a cigarette in his mouth]
Stan: Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking in the house!
Roger: And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.

[Stan aims a shotgun at Hayley]
Stan: Hayley, don't make me have to [she quickly snatches the shotgun from him and aims it at him] [lovingly and quickly speaking] spare your life because you're a part of the family!

[Stan and Francine are making out on the kitchen table. Steve walks in. Stan jumps off the table immediately while Francine is still laying on it]
Stan: Steve!
Steve: Is this a bad time?
Stan: No, no. I was just buffing the table with your mother. [starts doing so]

[Stan and Francine enter their bedroom, after discovering that Steve has reached puberty]
Stan: Puberty.
Francine: Our worst nightmare.
Stan: The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.
[Francine starts going toward bed]
Stan: Hey, what are you doing?
Francine: [pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.
Stan: Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.
Francine: Barely.
[Flashback to a pubescent Hayley wearing a purple shirt and a white skirt. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]
Hayley: Whaddaya mean, "Every month"?!
Francine: Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.
Hayley: [throws the tampon at Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]
Francine & Stan: No! [she sits]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]
Hayley (pointing to her small breasts): This is as big as they're gonna GET?!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek and is crying]
Hayley: I'm hideous!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]
Francine: Honey, you can't even see it.
Stan: It's pretty.
Roger: [enters the room with a box of French fries and a soda] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?
[Hayley grabs Roger and hurls him through the window. She grabs Stan's torch and sets fire to the living room, screaming maniacally]

[Stan and Francine in the market]
Stan: Saudi Arabia is the greatest country in the world!
Francine: Greatest country in the world?
[singing]
We packed our bags we hopped a plane, we left our happy home.
Stan: Uh, Francine, singing is kinda illegal here...
Francine:
The culture seemed a bit insane, but you said "Hey, when in Rome..."
Stan: Uh, seriously Francine ix-nay on the inging-say..
Francine:
Maybe you've got no reason to complain...
But I've got no Y chromosome.
[speaking]
So here's what I don't like about Saudi Arabia. Hit it!
You can't go out unless you are escorted by a man.
And when you do you come home with a butt crack full of sand.
No alcohol, no rum and cokes, and no Dom Perignon.
At least a girl can have a smoke.
Man: But not on Ramadan.
Oh it's a land of joy, if you are a boy.
But if you are a girl, it's the worst place in the world.
Stan: Ok Francine, we get it.
Francine: Oh but I'm just getting started.
American girls, we do pilates.
Starve ourselves until we're hotties.
Why? Because we like our bodies!
Check me out, you uptight Saudis!
[Francine strips down to lingere and boots]
Oh it's so awfully grand.
Stan: Come on Francine, stop singing.
Francine: If you are a man.
Stan: I'm only back-up singing.
Francine: If you don't take me home soon Stan I think I'm gonna hurl...
It's the worst place in the world.
Stan: I started this point system and she's way behind.
Francine: I only want to see the world, explore, and socialize.
But in this town I can't so much as look at other guys!
Cause if I did they'd call me harlot, whore, adulteress.
I'd bet my last riyal you fellas won't approve of this!
Who wants a kiss?
[Francine kisses all the men in the market]

[Stan and Jack are about to break in to the vault of National Gallery of Art]
Jack: Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman.
Stan: Right. So we should pound on it for, like, two minutes?