Agent Hogarth: ALF called again? What happened to William Tanner?
Agent McNeil: He is still in police custody.
Agent Hogarth: Well, Tanner cannot be two places at once. Any idea who or what ALF is?
Agent McNeil: I found "Alabama Lunatic Fringe" and "American Laundry Federation".
Agent Hogarth: OK, ALF, what is it?
ALF{over radio}: I need to speak to the President.
Agent Hogarth: He is indisposed.
ALF: The bathroom again?
Agent Hogarth: No, Sale of the Century! Well, OK, give me one moment. Please hold. calling the president Sir, there is an ALF who needs to speak with you...Are you sure you want to take this?...Very well...returning to ALF...Go ahead ALF.
President Reagan: Hello?
ALF: Mr. President, I need to speak to you about the bombs.
President Reagan: Please do not mention Bedtime for Bonzo. I was under contract to make that!

ALF: I think I'll call him Paul.
Lynn: Paul? That's not a goofy name.

Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
ALF: No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.
Woman on T.V.: If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!
[sound of cans opening, Alf and Brian come out with two cans of something in their hand]

Kate: I said no soda pop.
Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer.
ALF: [burps] You're about out of Coors!
Kate: What!? (grunts) Give those to me!
ALF: Hey, hey, careful his is still full!
(Kate puts beer cans on the television)

ALF: [picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?
Willie: Lash? How do you know about Lash?
ALF: Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel- [tries on Willie's glasses] Jeez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?

ALF: If Lynn starts humming the "Battle Hymn of the Republic," I'm pulling the plug on this production!

ALF: Say "goodbye", dummy!
Paul: Goodbye, dummy! [ALF throws him on the floor]
Season 3

Kate: Now, you just listen to me, ALF! I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house! This boy, is only six years old, he is not to drink beer, and you are not drink beer, and I don't know what it's like on...Mork, or whatever planet you come from, but....
ALF: Melmac.
Kate: What?

ALF: [after getting the call from the blackmailer and trying to calm down] Don't panic Willie will help you. He always helps you. [looks at mess] I'm dogfood!

ALF: Paul, you said you were my friend.
Paul: I lied.

Jake Ochmonek: Hey, this is the problem, the spark plugs! Jake does some work OK, Mr. Tanner, start it up!
Willie starts engine and it sputters to life
Willie: Wow! Thank you, Jake!
Jake Ochmonek: You are welcome. Hey, I do not want to sound conspiratorial, but it looked as if the wires were cut just shy of being severed. Wonder why that is?
ALF: It means Willie was gypped!
Willie: ALF!
Jake Ochmonek: Actually, ALF may be on to something. There have been fraud cases where mechanics fix one part of the car then sabotage another part to create unneccesary repeat business.

ALF: Hey, I saw one of these guys on TV, he was hillarious!

Brian: Hey, ALF. What are you doing?
ALF: I'm running away from home.
Paul: Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Brian: Why are you running away?
Paul: None of your business! [laughs]
Brian: I'm gonna tell Dad! [he runs away tattling to Willie]
ALF: Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
Paul: Shut up and keep tacking.

ALF: Hey, I wonder if Horrowitz is going to fight back against the man who gave him that suit!

Kate: Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?
Willie: Yeah, going on three years now.
Kate: No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.
Willie: Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.
Kate: Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!
[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]
Trevor: [off-camera from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's me!
[Willie opens the door.]
Willie: Morning.
Trevor: Good morning. I'll take it.
Kate: Take what?
Trevor: Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]
Willie: [reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?
Trevor: Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.
Willie: No. I mean, we're not selling the house.
Kate: Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.
Trevor: Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel. [closes door and walks away disappointed]
Season 4