Willie Tanner{as narrator}: This is the way it began, that extraordinary night. The night he came.
Willie signed off on his ham radio when it starts oscillating wildly. Kate rushes in garage
Kate Tanner: Willie, the house is shaking!
Lynn and Brian rush in garage
Lynn Tanner: Daddy, the power went out in the house!
Brian Tanner: Dad, I'm scared!
Loud crash is heard; Tanner family sees a UFO crashed into their roof
Lynn: What just happened?
Willie: We have a visitor.
Tanners see an unconscious ALF in the canopy

Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
ALF: No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.
Woman on T.V.: If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!
[sound of cans opening, Alf and Brian come out with two cans of something in their hand]

Kate: I said no soda pop.
Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer.
ALF: [burps] You're about out of Coors!
Kate: What!? (grunts) Give those to me!
ALF: Hey, hey, careful his is still full!
(Kate puts beer cans on the television)

Kate: Now, you just listen to me, ALF! I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house! This boy, is only six years old, he is not to drink beer, and you are not drink beer, and I don't know what it's like on...Mork, or whatever planet you come from, but....
ALF: Melmac.
Kate: What?

ALF: [picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?
Willie: Lash? How do you know about Lash?
ALF: Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel- [tries on Willie's glasses] Jeez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?

Willie: ALF, please stay away from the window. We have a nosy neighbor, Mrs. Ochmonek.
ALF: Ochmonek! Ha! Sounds like a typo.
Ochmonek residence. Mrs. Ochmonek looks in window and sees ALF
Mrs. Ochmonek: Trevor, get over here! There is a wierd creature!
Mr. Ochmonek sees an empty window
Mr. Ochmonek: It is just a window, Raquel! Have you been sipping the sherry again?
Mrs. Ochmonek: I could swear it was there.
Mrs. Ochmonek takes a second look then see ALF waving at her
Mrs. Ochmonek: AUGH!

Doorbell rings. ALF hides behind Willie while Kate answers door
Army officer: Mrs. Tanner?
Kate: Yes, who are you?
Army officer: I am Captain Blackstone of the Alien Task Force, an adjunct of Edwards Air Force Base. Have you seen an alien with orange fur, three feet tall, with a big nose?
ALF looks at his nose, but it is clear he is the one being described
Kate: What would be done to the creature?
Army officer: Our usual tests. Intense heat, freezing cold, injections with different toxins, and finally, dissection.
Kate: Why don't you just rip its toenails off while you are at it?
Army officer: Oh yes, that too. Well, I am going to assume you do not know what I am talking about. Good day, Mrs. Tanner.
Kate: Sir, who told you that we saw space aliens?
Army officer: I am sorry M'aam but that is classifed information. As such, the informant must remain ochmononek-I mean anonymous.

Agent Hogarth: ALF called again? What happened to William Tanner?
Agent McNeil: He is still in police custody.
Agent Hogarth: Well, Tanner cannot be two places at once. Any idea who or what ALF is?
Agent McNeil: I found "Alabama Lunatic Fringe" and "American Laundry Federation".
Agent Hogarth: OK, ALF, what is it?
ALF{over radio}: I need to speak to the President.
Agent Hogarth: He is indisposed.
ALF: The bathroom again?
Agent Hogarth: No, Sale of the Century! Well, OK, give me one moment. Please hold. calling the president Sir, there is an ALF who needs to speak with you...Are you sure you want to take this?...Very well...returning to ALF...Go ahead ALF.
President Reagan: Hello?
ALF: Mr. President, I need to speak to you about the bombs.
President Reagan: Please do not mention Bedtime for Bonzo. I was under contract to make that!

Willie: ALF, I am sorry that you cannot watch Psycho, but if you can promise me you will stay in the bedroom and not make noise, then I will consider next time that you may babysit Brian when Kate and I are out. I got you a jigsaw puzzle.
ALF: It's broken!
Willie: The idea is you are supposed to put it back together.
ALF: I did not break it!
Willie: I also got the newest issue of your favorite comic book, Shanna, Mistress of the Universe.
ALF: I don't want Shanna. I want Mrs. Bates.

ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window
ALF{as narrator}: Then it happened. He came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me: Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff, but I realized I had to do something; I realized I was the man of the house.
ALF: Excuse me? Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
Burglar: [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
ALF: Oh, yeah!? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box!?
[Burglar screams in shock and jumps out the window]

Policeman: Are you Mr. & Mrs. Tanner?
Willie: Yes, Officer. What can I do for you?
Policeman presents captured burglar
Policeman: This man actually chased us down two blocks and begged us to arrest him!
Burglar: What I did was wrong, and I must be punished.
Policeman: We will get to that, for right now just relax. Do you own these?
Policeman presents stolen items
Kate: That is my brooch and my jewelry box!
Willie: My cufflinks!
Policeman: If you come to the station and complete a report for us, you can have them back...if you want them back.
Burglar: Come on, you promised, you promised!
Policeman: OK, OK! Mr. and Mrs. Tanner, this man claims he was motivated to surrender himself to us on account of seeing an odd creature with a big nose wearing a blue dress.
Mrs. Ochmonek: Well, I will go home now.
Mrs. Ochmonek is wearing a frumpy blue dress
Policeman: Well, at least you will not be able to plead insanity.
Season 2

ALF: Hey, I saw one of these guys on TV, he was hillarious!

ALF: I think I'll call him Paul.
Lynn: Paul? That's not a goofy name.

Brian: Hey, ALF. What are you doing?
ALF: I'm running away from home.
Paul: Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Brian: Why are you running away?
Paul: None of your business! [laughs]
Brian: I'm gonna tell Dad! [he runs away tattling to Willie]
ALF: Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
Paul: Shut up and keep tacking.

Paul: Give me some nuts.
ALF: But I don't want any nuts.
Paul: I do! [ALF gives him some nuts; he crushes them with his head]