[Mary consoling Sally after her break up]
Mary: . . . I like you Sally.
Sally: I didn't know you liked me
Mary: Well I do, you're strong, opinionated, intelligent young woman, unpredictable at time, a little scary, but hell that's you.
Sally: That is me, I like me too, but why didn't Mr. Randall?
Mary: Well he's just not the right guy for you, but you'll find someone, I mean just look at you: those legs, that hair...
Sally: Please I've been dragged through the muck enough today!
Mary: Just chop this up to experience.
Sally: Thanks Dr. Albright, you're so nice. I always thought you were such a bitch.
Mary: Oh I am. But hell, that's me.

[Mrs. Dubcek wants the aliens to babysit her grandson]
Mrs. Dubcek: He's had his nap and he's just been changed.
Sally: What was he before?

[opera plays on the car radio]
Harry: Dick, remember how I said I wanted to learn to sing? I've changed my mind.

[Reminiscing about the 60's]
Mary: Did you ever drop acid?
Dick: [misunderstanding] Oh, constantly.
Mary: You did a lot of tripping?
Dick: That's how I dropped the acid.

[Sally and Harry run into the police station.]
Sally: Don! Where's Tommy?
Officer Don: Oh, you're too late.
[Harry screams. Sally grabs Don by the throat.]
Sally: You killed Tommy?!
Officer Don: No, I let him go!
Sally: You let Tommy go to his death?
[Harry screams again. Tommy suddenly appears right behind him.]
Tommy: Hey, Harry.
[Harry turns around and shouts again at the sight of Tommy.]

[Sally is talking to her plant]
Sally: You hungry? Oh, I know you--you wouldn't say anything if you were.
[she pours some of her Coke into the pot]
Sally: You're so nice. You're not at all arrogant or demanding like most people I know.
Tommy: You must be bored out of your mind.
Sally: Actually, I'm not.
Tommy: I was talking to the plant.

[Sally walks into the men's locker room]
Man: Hey, it says "men" on the door!
Sally: And you made the cut?

[the aliens are looking for Vicki's hybrid alien baby in the nursery]
Tommy: Which one is it?
Dick: It must be him - it's hideous.
Man: Hey, that's my daughter!
Dick: I'm so sorry; she's hideous.

[the Solomons are angry at Dick because he crashed the car]
Dick: Hey, be thankful I wasn't killed!
Sally: Yeah, because then we'd have to hitch a ride to your funeral, BECAUSE YOU WRECKED OUR FREAKIN' CAR!

[the Solomons confront Tommy about his cooking skills]
Sally: I can't believe it! You can cook!
Harry: You
Tommy: No, no, I can't cook! I swear!
Dick: Well, then how do you explain this? (indicates oregano and rosemary on the table)
Tommy: This, uh...is marijuana!
Dick: This whole time we've been eating her slop, and you're a damn gourmet!!
Tommy: No, no, it's pot! I swear! I smoke it with my friends. I like to... toke up on the..fat daddies...uh...dude...
Sally: Ugh, I blame myself. How could I have missed all the signs? I mean, just last month I was doing laundry and I found a measuring spoon in his pants.
Dick: I was as blind as you, Sally. At the mall, he said he was going to the comic book store, but I saw him coming out of the Williams and Sonoma!
Harry: (picks up vial of white powder) Oh, Tommy! (opens, tastes what's inside) it's confectioner's sugar!
Dick: Confectioner's sugar? So you've been baking, too?! (hugs Sally) Look what your selfishness has done to Sally! Get out of my sight!
Tommy: (starts to leave)
Dick: Oh, but first, make me a spinach and fennel frittata.
Sally: (nods) Yeah, me too.

[the Solomons have a repairman over]
Dick: Sally, you seein' Don today?
Sally: Seein' him? I'm losing my virginity to him!
Repairman: You know, I can come back.

[Tommy and August meet for the first time]
August: I'm August. Don't call me "Augy".
Tommy: I'm Tommy. Don't call me "Augy" either...

[Tommy is selling chocolate door-to-door and he encounters a priest at one door]
Tommy: Hi, Father, I'm selling chocolate so the high-school band can go to Washington... and learn about Christianity...so they can become priests.
[The priest closes the door in Tommy's face]
Tommy: Fine then; they'll stay here in Rutherford and worship Satan!

[Tommy picks up two pool balls, holds them in the air and then drops them so they land back on the table]
Tommy: Excuse me, this game's not three-dimensional, is it?

[after Mary receives an exercise video as a present from Dick]
Mary: Here's a little "gift-giving" tip: When you give someone a bouquet of flowers, that tells them "Our love goes on forever." When you give somebody an exercise video that tells them "Your ass goes on forever!"