Dick: Can anyone get their head to swivel to the rear? (no) Then how are you suppose to lick your back!?

Dick: I think we've underestimated the life on this planet. The people have so much courage. Here they are hurling through space on a molten rock at 67000 miles an hour and the only thing that keeps them from flying out of their shoes is their misplaced faith in gravity.

Dick: Sally, I want you to observe her, find out what women on this planet do.
Sally: Why can't Harry do it?
Dick: Because you're the woman.
Sally: That brings up a very good question: why am I the woman?
Dick: Because you lost.

Dick: Oh good you're here. Did you copy the mainframe from the library?
Tommy: Uh, I got a little distracted.
Dick: Again? What happened?
Tommy: Well, I was watching these women play volleyball. And they were all jumping. Up. And down. Up. And down. With these little shorts, and some of them can't jump as high as the others, but it's okay. I mean, it's more than okay, it's really okay. I mean--
Dick: What is wrong with you?!
Tommy: I don't know.
Dick: We can't leave without that information, so access the net, download, and go straight home as soon as you're finished.
Tommy: Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?
Dick: You are a child.
Tommy: I'm older than you.
Dick: Well, now I'm bigger. And on this planet size matters.

Sally: Dick, women are trouble. I should know! I've been one for two weeks!
Dick: I know, which brings up another point. I command you to shave under your arms.
Sally: Doable. I'm sorry you find me so offensive (tears up)
Dick: Dammit! Pull yourself together, man! We're going out.
Sally: Ok, give me an hour.
Dick: An hour?
Sally: I got to rotate these (indicating breasts). It's a party!

Dick: I want very much to feel, and to be felt. And I mean that from the heart of my bottom.

Harry: Women. You can't live with 'em, and yet they're everywhere.

Dick: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. (flips to the back of the book) I'm not going to read 380 pages if he can't even make up his mind in the first sentence!

Tommy: Sally, you're amazing. As sick as you are, you keep taking care of us.
Sally: Yeah, I know. I don't understand. All I want to do is curl up into a ball, and yet somehow I feel compelled to nurture you. God, what a cruel disease!

Minister: We are gathered here, before God....
Dick: Now, which one of those guys is God?
Mary: Will you be quiet?
Dick: Okay, but be sure to introduce me later, because I want some answers.

Dick: Mary, there's something I have to tell you. I come from another world.
Mary: And this is news?

Dick: You know, you have to admire these humans. Their lives are so fragile, and yet they are willing to commit to each other for a lifetime.
Sally: Or an afternoon with some petri dish in a miniskirt.
Tommy: Hey, hey! At least I'm getting some here, alright?

Dick: [reading the Bible] Man, these people begat their brains out!

Dick: Dr. Albright, have I been a perfect ass?
Mary: Aw, nobody's perfect.

Sally: You just can't imagine what it feels like, Dick. It's like he reached in... and pulled all the bones out of my body... [starts crying]
Dick: My God, what are you doing?
Sally: [wipes her tears] Apparently I'm leaking!
Dick: Well, stop!