Dick: I'm banned? Well guess what, Tommy didn't even want to come to this robot-factory-outlet. I made him. Me! Me! Me! Now I'm putting him back into a real school, where he can be himself. Not a school where kids are judged on how well they test or much they know. Where they aren't judged at all! Where they have the freedom to stay faceless and nameless. From K through twelve, carrying their diplomas straight through the golden arches, and on into their waiting McJobs! C'mon, Tommy, we're going home.

Dick: I'm not finger-pointing... [points at Mary]...but it's YOUR fault! YOU!

Dick: I'm sorry, there is simply no room in the budget for raises. But I can go you one better: promotions! Sally, you are now Senior Security Officer.
Sally: That'll look good on the ol' résumé!
Dick: Tommy, you are now Senior Information Officer.
Tommy: It's about time!
[pause]
Harry: What about me?
Dick: Harry, you are now... Harold.
Harry: Champagne for everyone!

Dick: I'm tired of feeling like a Catholic schoolboy always getting his knuckles rapped by the nun he's dating.
[Judith and Mary during Physics party]

Dick: Maybe you'll all change your tune when you hear about something called... 'reasonable doubt.'
Juror #1: What's the point?
Dick: The point is it's reasonable to assume Foster used the money to pay for his daughter's life-threatening operation.
Juror #2: No, it isn't.
Juror #3: He doesn't have a daughter.
Juror #1: It's not reasonable doubt if you just make things up!

Dick: Nina, here are the keys to my Rambler. Take it somewhere and have my tires rotated.
Nina: That's not in my job description.
Dick: What is in your job description?
Nina: Typing.
Dick: Okay, well, type it into your job description and have it done by lunch.

Dick: Nina, who is this 'Tom' that Mary keeps talking about?
Nina: I don't know, and it's none of my business.
Dick: It's none of my business and I'm obsessed with it!
Nina: That's typical. Why is it that men think that when you plant the flag, you own the mountain.
Dick: I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I'm not about to let some guy yodel on it!

Dick: Oh, I miss those days with Mary. Breakfast in bed, lunch in the bed. Changing the sheets... 'cause there's food in the bed.

Dick: Oh, Mary! I've just had one of those horrible dreams!
Mary: Well what happened?
Dick: We were getting married!
Mary: [sarcastically] Thank you...
Dick: No, that was the good part. Then, my family showed up.
Mary: Oh, don't tell me? They objected?
Dick: Well...they had issues.
Mary: It's alright. I prepared a short speech just in case they did. It's just basically two words... and one of them's "off."

Dick: Oh, Mary! You have to get away from here!
Mary: You want me to try to escape?
Dick: Yes!
Mary: [pretending to struggle] Oh, let me go, let me go! How's that?

Dick: Okay, let's get this straight; I don't care how much it costs, I don't care how difficult it is to accomplish, I want a security system that will guarantee every moment of our lives will be filled with a sense of absolute safety and contentment.
Salesman: That would be the ElectroFort 2000. The alarm connects directly to our command center downtown, where we immediately dispatch trained patrol men to your door.
Sally: I see. I just have one question.
Salesman: Sure.
Sally: Where do I bury my family after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls while your guys are strolling over?

Dick: The library's closed on Saturday?
Mary: Dick, this -- is -- not -- a -- good -- school!

Dick: Tomorrow there will be a pop quiz on the effects of thermodynamics. Remember it's a pop quiz; if you study, I'll know!

Dick: We can make little differences; we just can't make global differences.
Harry: Can we blow up the Earth?
Dick: You see, that's a global difference.
Harry: It's so hard to keep track of all this.

Dick: Welcome to Rusty's. How may I serve you?
Customer: How do you make your burgers?
Dick: Excellent question. First, a clamp comes down onto the cow's head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt, where a prod is inserted into the cow's rectum, electrocuting it.
Customer: Gimme two.
Dick: Thank you, and remember: at Rusty's, E-coli is not on the menu.
Doug: Stop saying that!