Kenneth: Miss Lemon, are you okay? Aw! You smell like when the Stone Mountain tire fire joined up with the corpse fire, and then swept through the downtown manure district. It was our fault for letting those high schoolers dance at their prom.

Liz: ‘Cause living a lie will eat you up inside. Like that parasite I got from eating sushi on Amtrak.

Liz: Do not write another sketch with Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No one knows who Krang is. It would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television.

Liz: In college, I once went on a hunger strike to protest apartheid...
Tracy: Oh, you're the one who solved that? Thank you soooo much!

Lutz: Poke your eye, pull your hair, you forgot what clothes to wear!
Liz: The hell?!
Lutz: You're not wearing yellow and blue on Leap Day.
Liz: So what? Leap Day is not a thing.
Kenneth: [singing] Leap Day William, Leap Day William, bursting from the sea; will he bring his bucket of sweets for mom and pop and me?
Liz: What the crap is going on in here?
Kenneth: Why, Leap Day William is visiting!
Liz: Leap Day William?
Kenneth: Miss Lemon, did you not grow up with Leap Day William? He lives in the Mariana Trench, he emerges every four years to trade children's tears for candy.
Liz: What? No. But White Haven was founded by the Amish, and we really only celebrated their holidays.

Lynn: Ma'am, I am in a Mexican prison gang. You kill me, Los Tiburones will greenlight a 187 on you, and you don't want that kind of heat.

Paul: Yawns are contagious. Like all the Thai STDs my penis is about to give you.

Stacy Keach: ...That's why I buy Bazooka Joe Gum. It's like chewing a mountain that someone shot a Freeze-Ray into.

Thad: And you � you were the star of The Sound of Music.
Liz: Thank you. Not everyone thinks of the young Nazi boy as the star of that show.

Tracy: Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.

Tracy: I feel like Oscar the Grouch today. And not just ‘cause I woke up in a garbage can this morning startling someone named Gordon.

Tracy: I finally understand the ending of The Sixth Sense. Those names are the people who worked on the movie!

Tracy: This is probably some Hollywood prank. Like on the set of Ocean's 12 when I put that snake in George Clooney's bed. I was not in the movie.

Tracy: Wow, Jay Mo. You sound like a cop. And I should know. My uncle was a cop. In a porno.
Jenna: Tracy, every blond actress in the business has done a pilot about a tough but pretty lady cop with special abilities. Mine was called Good Looking. I played Alexis Goodlooking, who was also good looking, and my special ability was being good at looking for clues.