Jack: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.
Frank: My client has no memory of that.
Jack: I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."

Jack: Ongoing train wreck aside, I love this idea; it's great synergy. By putting a TV actress into the movie world we can promote both. It's like how we're including a Heroes DVD with every missile system we sell.

Jack: The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay.
Liz: Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye roll. [rolls eyes] Oh, brother.
Jack: Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old.
Liz: What the what?! You have a Superman chest!
Jack: I know.
Liz: Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show! Your eyes are so much bluer... what happened to your eyes?
Jack: My point is, Lemon, the bubble doesn't last forever, so get in there with Drew and enjoy those perks while you can.
Liz: Can I keep that?
Jack: No. It's my only copy.

Jack: What happens to us?
Liz: We grow up.
Jack: I had a good life, but I'll never be that happy again. I want THAT back.

Jack: You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on.
Liz: Or thanked! ...on.

Jeffrey: Okay, I'm Jeffrey. I am a mediator, and you two are having a dispute. Now why is that?
Jenna: Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly because I'm a woman.
Tracy: What? Please, we are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars! White people stole jazz, rock 'n roll, Will Smith, and heart disease! Now they think they can take my hard-earned money.

Jenna: [having an idea] I've got it!
Tracy: Give it to me! It's mine!

Jenna: [rapping] My name is Suri Cruise.
Put your hands in the air!
I came out of the womb
With a full head of hair!

Jenna: Kenneth, you know how you told Tracy not to go into your bedroom? Well, naturally we assumed you were a serial killer, and as you can imagine, your bird is dead.

Jenna: Oh I can play dead; I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.

Kenneth: [about his pig] She went crazy! She bit off my nutsack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed the squirrels.

Kenneth: [Excited about cable TV] There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels!
Jack: I know, Kenneth. It's okay.
Kenneth: I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. ...Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?
Jack: You're darn right he is, Kenneth.

Kenneth: I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.
Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?
Kenneth: Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!
Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?
Kenneth: Four thousand dollars!

Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy, I know you said only interrupt you if was very important, but Tishonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone, and she's offering three free months of Showtime, but we have to act now!

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, Ms. Maroney. You wanted to see me?
Jenna: Kenneth, Tracy and I want to do something for the crew, you know, to thank them for being sick.
Tracy: We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.
Jenna: But after he stabilized we decided we'd get them all hot soup.
Tracy: So... go do that.
Kenneth: Oh, all the other pages have gone home sick, I can't make any runs right now. Maybe the two of you could go get the soup.
[long pause]
Jenna: I don't understand.
Kenneth: Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet...
Tracy: My what?!
Kenneth: ...and go downstairs to the basement...
Tracy: No!
Kenneth: ...and you go to the soup place, and bring the soup back up here...
Tracy: With what? My arms?
Kenneth: ...make sure to take your IDs with you.
Tracy: That'll be the worst part!