Mr. Norman: (In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!
Nurse: Mr. Norman, step back into your line.
Mr. Norman: (towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.
Shane: (from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.
Mr. Norman: (Whiny) ‘It's throbbing, Mom.'
Nancy: Back off, nutty!
Mr. Norman: (Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.
Nancy: I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.
Mr. Norman: (Straightening up) What goat?

Mrs. Elderman: (On the News) I haven't seen Chester, oh that's my cat, in 2 days. Umm, I dunno though, would a big cat eat a smaller cat? I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?

Nancy Botwin: Maybe black people need to start stealin' a little bit bigger.
Conrad Sheperd: Maybe fuckin' so.

Nancy: (Reading flyer) What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly. Are you sure this isn't what to do if you want to date a mountain lion? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia, so...
Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Nancy: Excuse me?
Celia: I think I'd like to try it.
Nancy: With who?
Celia: Anyone. I don't care. I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna fuck around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock in my mouth is just too depressing.
Nancy: I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.
Celia: Maybe you're right. The truth is, pussy really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

Nancy: (Sees Shane get knocked down on soccer field) Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?!
Celia Hodes: Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Nancy: All bun?
Conrad: No, uh... hot dog.

Nancy: I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.
Celia: Sorry. I took a lude.
Season 2

Nancy: Not to mention the amount of shit I'm going to get from those Hypochristian bitch moms I'm going to get tomorrow.

Nancy: Shane, did you shoot the Elderman's cat?
Shane: What! No! I shot the mountain lion. Right in the eye.
Nancy: Why?
Shane: Because that's what Dad would've done.

Nancy: They wanted to suspend him.
Andy: For what? If Shane wants to believe in Chris, and they try to suspend him for it, Whoa! That's freedom of religion, that's like the first commandment; we could nail ‘em on that.
Nancy: I don't think Chris is protected under "Freedom of Religion," Andy. In fact, the Angry Christian Moms I heard from in the PTA were pretty offended by it.
Andy: Well that's so intolerant. I mean, what would Jesus do?

Nancy: What do you do if somebody actually calls to get his house cleaned?
Heylia: Then I refer ‘em to my cousin Zondra, who cleans for real. She don't make shit, but Zondra found the Lord so she don't care.

Nancy: You're the Candyman?
The "Candyman" : Yes, you getting any exercise?
Nancy: Excuse me?
The "Candyman" : If you're not committed to personal fitness, I can't in good conscience sell to you.
Nancy: I wouldn't say Heylia's in the best shape.
The "Candyman" : Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her into a diabetic coma. So I have no problem selling to her.
Nancy: Why?
The "Candyman" : Scare her. Some people never learn until their life is on the line.

News anchor: Apparently, a religious group chanting "Jesus will protect us" forced their way into the burning house in an attempt to rescue the Majestic cross. Now those members are being treated at a nearby hospital for minor burns and smoke inhalation. [turns to face a gurney bound Tara] Can you tell us why you ran into a burning house?
Tara Lindman: The Lord told us to go.
Silas Botwin: [watching the news] Okay, I'm over her.

PTA Mom 1: Oh, we do not joke about our Lord Jesus Christ.
Nancy: (Laughs) It's a stupid t-shirt. We should ignore it.
Maggie: Only one man died for my sins, Nancy. And his name wasn't Chris.
Pam: Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? Like a nickname?

Shane Botwin: Can we go home now, please?
Nancy: It's not even half-time.
Shane: I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.