Heylia: We should start that in this neighborhood. Call it the "I'm getting' skinny ‘cause some nigger stole my food" diet.

Hunter [On television]: (In tree-stand) Next time we go bow huntin'. Guns are for pussies. (Now, running from a bear) I told you! You can't miss the bear!

Insurance Man: With all due respect, sir, this is not the first time that a crate of carbonated beverages fell form a low flying Cessna and devastated a house.
Dean: You're kidding?

Isabelle Hodes: She's got a great ass, your mom.
Shane Botwin: Don't be gross.

Josh: If they're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed. If there's no grass in their field, no weed will they yield.

Josh: Shit hasn't gone this fast since the Passion of the Christ.
Nancy: People got stoned for the Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.
Josh: It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass. It's a straight up snuff film.

Lenny Botwin: [complaining to his grandchildren about how Andy was as a child] I asked that prick over there to pedal his little bicycle, which I bought him, up to Del Mar and throw down $100 on a sure thing.
Andy Botwin: Father of the year.
Lenny Botwin: What the fuck does he do? He pockets it. Goes out and buys himself some Star Trek piece of shit.
Andy Botwin: It was Boba Fett.
Lenny Botwin: I don't even know what that means!

Lupita: Doesn't smell like sage.
Nancy: Obviously menopause has affected your sense of smell.
Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.

Lupita: I call 911. (Into phone) Hello? Hello?
Silas: Fucking perfect the phone's still dead.
Lupita: (Smacks Silas) You don't say fucking to your mother.

Maggie: Celia, you can't smoke in here.
Celia: Because...?
Big Fun PTA Mom: Second hand smoke kills.
Maggie: Celia, did you bring your muffins?
Celia: I didn't feel like baking.
Maggie: None of us ever feels like baking.
Pam: I love baking.
Maggie: Except Pam. But, we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.
Celia: Oh, give me a break. You're raising money for a swim team. How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?
Pam: 18.95.
Celia: I'll tell you what, (hands Pam a 20) keep the change.
Maggie: So, we're really not getting the muffins, are we?
Celia: (Gets up to leave) I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on earth. See ya ladies.

Maggie: Have you all seen these? They are all over the school. And as a Christian, I must say, I am deeply, deeply offended. It's profane.
PTA Mom 1: Has anyone talked to the principal about this?
Pam: Who's Chris?

Maggie: Look who's here everyone! It's Celia.
Celia: Down, Maggie. I have cancer. I'm not retarded.

Maria (Mermex): [grabs Andy's naked crotch] You are excited.
Andy Botwin: No, no. It's just windy out.
Maria (Mermex): I do not think it is the wind.
Andy Botwin: [trying to resist himself as she kisses her way down] Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs!

Maria (Mermex): He is a terrible man.
Andy Botwin: What? Doug? Come on. He's a great guy.
Maria (Mermex): He is a criminal.
Andy Botwin: He's an accountant.
Maria (Mermex): A thief, who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.
Andy Botwin: A CPA with legal problems who's going through a divorce and is wildly in love with you.
Maria (Mermex): He has warts on his genitals.
Andy Botwin: Yeah, I got nothing to that.

Minute-Man Leader: [about the smuggled Mexicans] Wait, give me one...so my day is not a total loss.
Andy Botwin: "Give you one"?! These are people!
Doug Wilson: Just, just give him the guy that hugged me, he's annoying. Hombre, up and go. Let's go. Here, come on. Let's go. Out. [the Mexican runs away as soon as Doug pulls him out of the car]
Minute-Man Leader: [to Doug] Get the fuck out of here! [laughs in joy as he heads off with his gun to chase the Mexican]