Veronica: So, the manager's boyfriend just dumped her, and she says this helps with the stress.
Wallace: What is it?
Veronica: A German chocolate nut-gasm.
Wallace: I don't think that's going to help.

Veronica: So, what made you decide to be a cop?
Leo: Uh, well, it's the same old tired story. I was sent here by the agency to do a strip-o-gram for Inga, an armed robbery call came in, I figured I was in uniform anyway, so what the hell.
Veronica: So you're saying you just kind of stumbled into it.
Leo: Oh, what I'm trying to say is... This uniform? It's a tear-away.

Veronica: So...Piz didn't say anything about the whole party...thing?
Wallace: Like how you two made out in the hall and then you took off? Why? Is he calling you all the time?
Veronica: He called once. The day after. But...how would you interpret his mood?
Wallace: You want me to have this talk? Am I a twelve year old girl?
Veronica: No...but you're drinking Fresca and watching Joan Crawford movies.

Veronica: Someone stole your laptop?
Duncan: There was this poker game at Logan's last night. Weevil won five grand and someone stole the money. This is his way of collecting.
Veronica: You lie down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas.
Duncan: I didn't invite him.
Veronica: I wasn't talking about Weevil.

Veronica: Something wrong?
Logan: I can't do this anymore, Veronica. [Veronica looks at him in confusion] You know, I've been thinking... this isn't working. And I don't think I quite measure up to the person you want me to be and... I just can't take feeling like a disappointment anymore.
Veronica: Logan, I don't...
Logan: [interrupts her] Wait, let me get this out okay? The other thing... you told me you weren't built to let people help you.
Veronica: That's not exactly what I said...
Logan: It's close. And you know what? I'm not built to stand on the sidelines. [Veronica nods] And I think we have a choice. I think we can take a tough, but survivable amount of pain now...or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. So I vote for the pain now. [They both start to tear up] But I'm always here... if you need anything. [kisses her on the forehead] But you never need anything.

Veronica: Tell your roommate I came by hoping to kill time between classes getting to second base with someone, and then left unsatisfied.
Wallace: He's a good guy, Veronica. Try not to rip out his heart.

Veronica: That's all sweet and great, but it doesn't really work that way. It's not like this is all some new facet of my personality. You know who I am. You know what I do.
Logan: And?
Veronica: And this isn't gonna change. And if you can't accept that, this isn't gonna work.
Logan: And you know who I am. And you're constantly expecting me to change. [she looks at him dumbfounded] And even right now as you're thinking, "Crap, he's got a point," you still think you're ultimately right. I love you Veronica. I love you. [after no response] Do you love me?
Veronica: Yeah.
Logan: Then can we try to go a little easier on each other?
Veronica: Yeah. I think that's a good idea.
Logan: [hugs her] So are we okay?
Veronica: Yeah, we're okay.

Veronica: The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago.
Trina: No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy.
Veronica: Trina, I'm dead serious.
Trina: Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural.
Veronica: You were found in a girls' bathroom on prom night.
Trina: What? So you mean my mother was like, one of those trashy sluts that dumped me in a garbage can?
Veronica: I'm... pretty sure Celeste Kane is your mom.
Trina: Well, there's worse news you could've given me. They've got billions!
Veronica: I suppose they do. Um... I was going to use this audition tape to smoke her out, shame her. I was gonna send this video to all the tabloids.
Trina: Oh, you're a rascal, Veronica Mars.
Veronica: Am I? I was thinking I was something else... less flattering.
Trina: You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail.

Veronica: Think I've got a future in the biz?
Keith: I think you've got a future as a highly paid Ivy League-educated executive of some sort who never thinks about private investigation again in her perfect life. Now... let's do something normal fathers and daughters do.
Veronica: Buy me a pony?
Keith: I was thinking I'd watch TV and you'd rub my feet.
Veronica: Hmm. Yeah, that's normal.

Veronica: This is a bad idea.
Keith: No, it's not.
Veronica: You only think it's not because you came up with it.
Keith: Ergo, how could it be bad? Math, sweetie. Me + idea = good.

Veronica: Tough day?
Keith: [imitating Phillip Marlowe] That ain't the half of it. See, this dame walks in, and you should've seen the getaway sticks on her. Says something's hinky with her old man.
Veronica: [imitating Marlowe] Did ya put the screws to him?
Keith: You ain't kiddin', he sang like a canary.
Veronica: [normal voice] You're in luck, Phillip Marlowe, because it's dessert for dinner night, and I've got a sundae thing set up here.
Keith: [normal voice] If child services finds out about this, they will take you away.
Veronica: Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take.
Keith: Honey, shouldn't we try something at the base of the food pyramid? You know - fruits and vegetables.
Veronica: [gasps] What is that? A maraschino cherry?

Veronica: What do you want for Christmas?
Keith: Love and respect.

Veronica: What's this four-week gap here?
Mac: Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.
Veronica: Do you know why?
Mac: I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.
Veronica: The show's still on?
Mac: A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.
Veronica: Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?
Mac: Yes. [she doesn't continue and Veronica gives a look] Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. [Veronica scoffs] We can track the signal.
Veronica: I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. [both laugh]
Mac: Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.

Veronica: What?
Mac: Miss Mars uses Venus razor.
Veronica: Because if she doesn't, her legs look like Pluto's.
Mac: And she's down-to-earth to boot.
Veronica: I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.
Mac: I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts.
Veronica: Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hm.

Veronica: Where's Lilly's necklace?
Weevil: Someone left a bracelet in my bed last week. Or wait, was it a hoop earring...
Veronica: I'm not playing with you.
Weevil: Don't you get it? I have no idea what you're talking about.
Veronica: Oh, you don't, huh? Let me spell it out: I tell you about a working on-campus casino. Six hours later, it's held up by a guy, your size, wearing a mask, who happens to be covered in a thin film of drywall dust and the stench of Drakkar cologne.
Weevil: My cologne stinks? So, all this play I've been getting is from pure sex appeal?
Veronica: You just told my classmates that your old life of crime was calling. You just asked me about Lilly's necklace.
Weevil: I can't believe you'd think I'd do that - to you - after all we've been through.
Veronica: After all we've been through, can you really blame me?