Nikolai: It is freezing to cold in Reykjavik. It is freezing to cold in Helsinki. It is freezing to cold in Gstaad. Why must every American President bound out of an automobile like as at a yacht club, while in com...
George: Comparison.
Nikolai: Comparison, our leader looks like... I don't even know what word is.
Sam: Frumpy?
Nikolai: I don't know what "frumpy" is, but onomatopoetically, sounds right.
...
Sam: It's hard not to like a guy who doesn't know 'frumpy,' but knows 'onomatopoeia.'

Operator: Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.
Toby: What the hell is...
Bartlet: Shhhh. Hello!!
Operator: How can I help you, sir?
Bartlet: Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
Operator: Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
Bartlet: I'm a citizen.
Operator: I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.
Bartlet: I'm Joe Betherson...ton. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.
Operator: And your address?
Bartlet: Fargo.
Operator: Your street address, please?
Toby: [picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]
Bartlet: My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.
Operator: Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
Bartlet: I do radio commercials for... products.
Operator: And how can I help you?
Bartlet: [sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
Operator: It can also be baked in a casserole dish.
Bartlet: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]
Operator: I suppose.
Bartlet: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
Operator: Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.
Bartlet: All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?
Operator: Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.
Bartlet: Excellent! Let's talk temperature.
Operator: One hundred and sixty-five degrees.
Bartlet: No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.
Operator: Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.
Bartlet: Okay. Good testing!
Operator: Do you have an accurate thermometer?
Bartlet: Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand and Bartlet catches himself] auto sales in...
Toby: [whispering] Fargo.
Bartlet: Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything.
Operator: Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!
Bartlet: And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone] That was excellent! We should do that once a week.

President Newman: You start saddling up camels in every country in the Middle East then you better be prepared to spend the next 50 years sifting through sand because this isn't a quick run on the beach, Jed. This is the new world order.

Rabbi Glassman: Say what you will about the Catholic Church, but their position on life is unimpeachable: no abortion, no death penalty.
Toby: I spent yesterday...
Rabbi Glassman: You spent yesterday hoping the President wouldn't call the Pope.
Toby: You're damn right I did.
Rabbi Glassman: If he had done it, after doing so, the fear of every non-Catholic who voted for him would be realized.
Toby: Congratulations Rabbi Glassman, you may now join the White House communications staff!

Reporter: I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased $750,000. What's that due to?
C.J.: Secret Service improvements.
Reporter: Can you go into detail, please?
C.J.: The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch.

Reporter: If the election were held today...
Santos: People would be surprised, because it's usually held on Election Day.

Reporter: The cuts aren't reflective of the President's attitude on military response in Gaza?
CJ: The cuts are reflective of the fact that Toby Ziegler has never written a five-minute speech in his life.

Reporter: Was he physically and emotionally prepared to make a life and death decision after what he'd just been through?
C.J.: He'd been through a TV interview and a press conference. The President finds you all annoying but not prohibitively debilitating.

Republican: Why when the second amendment clearly says that the federal government will not infringe upon citizen's right to keep and bear arms.
Toby: Because it doesn't say that. In fact it doesn't say that at all. The only way it says that if you remove some words from it. It says a well regulated militia being necessary for the security of a free state, the government shall not infringe. The words well regulated and militia are in the first sentence. I don't think the framers were thinking of three guys in a Dodge Durango.
Republican: You don't really know what the framers were thinking do you?
Toby: No. But I know that if you combine all the populations of Great Britain, France, Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark, and Australia you'll get a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year, they had 112. Do you think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature or do you think it's because those guys have gun control laws?

Russell: I admire speech writers. They have to have the tendency to doubt and the capacity to believe in equal measure.... I'm playing with a handicap.... Spare tire on the automobile of government. Heartbeat away from having a heartbeat.... I may need more help than that dead guy you got elected in Orange County, Will. I may need some political life support myself.... I'd like you to be my Communications Director.... I know I'm not the best politician, but here I am Vice President of the United States.
Will: Sir, I'm a special assistant to the President.
Russell: Chief strategist and senior counselor to the Vice President.
Will: Are we playing poker?
Russell: I'm showing you my hand.
Will: You're looking for your own Toby Ziegler.
Russell: I'm looking for someone who can beat Toby....
Will: Thank you, sir, but I'm not interested.
Russell: I like loyalty, Will. I respect loyalty. But you can run out the clock on a Bartlet Presidency that in effect is over. You can finish something that you never started in the first place.... Or you can shape the next presidency from the ground up. Total access. Coach of the team.

Ryan: Today's my last day at the White House.
Josh: Thank you.
Ryan: I was hoping you'd give a toast at my going-away party.
Josh: How about a plaque, for best impersonation of a blue blazer?
Ryan: So, you're coming to the party?
Josh: I'm having my own celebration with five cloves of garlic and the cast of The Exorcist.

Ryan: Where you going?
Josh: To meet Congressman McKenna.
Ryan: That's funny, actually.
Josh: No, it isn't funny. He's a two-bit jerk of a House member. He holds us hostage every time we have a budget or a trade deal, or enough discretionary authority to buy an ice cream cone. I've got the Speaker of the House in ten minutes. I'm gonna smile, bob my head, and stick him in the outbox.
[The two walk into the Roosevelt Room together]
Josh: Beat it. I've got a meeting.
Ryan: So do I's the thing.
Josh: It's just me and McKenna.
Ryan: I'm his new Legislative Director. Hi. He figured it'd be leverage enough that he's on two authorizing committees and can stall half your budget priorities. Is this the part where you smile and bob your head?

Sam: [about the President] Last night you were scared to meet him.
Ainsley: And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that in order to erase the humiliation that I've brought upon myself and my father.
Sam: You are just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?

Sam: [about why we should go to Mars] 'Cause it's next. 'Cause we came out of the cave and we looked over the hill and we saw fire. And we crossed the ocean and we pioneered the West and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on a timeline of exploration, and this is what's next.

Sam: [holding up an envelope] What's this?
Ginger: I don't know. It's marked "personal."
Sam: You don't know who sent it?
Ginger: There's no return address.
Sam: Think it's porn?
Ginger: I don't know.
Sam: 'Cause I'm pretty tired, but if it's porn--I mean really good porn--by the way if my innocent joking's making you uncomfortable in any way--
Ginger: No, I'm hoping it's porn.