Sam: [in jail] How'd you call Josh? Didn't they take your cell phone from you?
Toby: [motioning to a group of prostitutes] I used theirs.
Sam: So on a call-girl's phone bill, there's gonna be a call to Air Force One?
Toby: You really gonna be teaching a seminar on call-girl caution? Really?

Sam: [on being a Big Brother] I could narrate what I was doing for him. "Right now, I'm reading background intelligence on Central America as it relates - believe it or not - to textile imports." Intelligence... 007! See, and right away I've got him going with 007.
CJ: I'm sitting here listening; already, I've turned to a life of crime.

Sam: [on his answering machine] Hi, it's Sam. I'm going to sleep now for a little bit, but if you really need me just yell really loud and I'll probably wake up.
Josh: SAM!!!

Sam: [on the President] Any trip over eight hours, he tends to fire somebody at the end of it, and the last three times it's been me...

Sam: [reading a newspaper article, quoting a congressman] Folks down here are patriotic, fiercely patriotic. The President better not be planning on making any visits to this base. If he does, he may not get out alive.
Toby: He said that? Sitting there with military officers?
Josh: Don't take the bait.
Toby: Josh.
Josh: Don't take the bait!
Toby: You'd better believe I'm going to take the bait.
Leo: There ought to be a law against it.
Josh: Why'd you get him started?
[Leo shrugs]
Toby: There is a law against it! How about threatening the life of the President? He was talking to other people: how about conspiracy? They were military officers, how about treason? That was a member of our own party, Leo. That was a Democrat who said that!
Leo: It's bad, I know.
Toby: That's it?
Leo: What are you going to do?
Toby: Have the Justice Department bring him in pending felony charges.
Josh: Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning?
Toby: We're really not gonna do anything about this?
Leo: Yeah, cause what we really need to do is arrest people for being mean to the President.
Toby: There is no law. There is no decency.
Josh: He's just getting that now.

Sam: [reading an excerpt rejected from the State of the Union speech] Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death, and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the Federal Government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: We will cure cancer by the end of this decade.

Sam: [when Ritchie is late] If ninety percent of success is showing up, we're just happy there's someone standing up for the other ten.

Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby: Really?
Sam: Yes.
Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: Accidentally.
Sam: Yes.
Toby: I don't understand. Did you trip over something?

Sam: But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's [Josh] dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns, they loaded 'em, they drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn, and until they pulled the trigger they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off the charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around words like personal freedom and nobody calling 'em on it. It's not about personal freedom. And it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns.
Ainsley: Yes, and you know what's even more sinister than that? Your gun control policy doesn't have anything to do with public safety, and it's certainly not about personal freedom. It's about that you don't like the people who do like guns.

Sam: By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whip your Cal Bears any day of the week.
C.J.: At what?
Sam: Logarithms possibly.

Sam: Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she said she didn't mind at all. Plus, Charlie said he's fine with it.
Celia: Charlie's a man.
Charlie: Damn right.
Ainsley: Sam.
Sam: Yes.
Ainsley: We need to be clear we're not going to take a bath when other countries can afford to take on more.
Sam: Yes.
Ainsley: This is important.
Sam: I also think it's important to make it clear that I'm not a sexist.
Charlie: And that I'm all man.
Ainsley: You're Celia?
Celia: Yes.
Ainsley: He's not a sexist.
Celia: If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
Ainsley: I'm sorry?
Celia: I said I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.
Ainsley: I don't even know what that means.
Celia: I think you do.
Ainsley: And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them. But all women don't have to think alike.
Celia: I didn't say they did and when somebody said something that offended me, I did say so.
Ainsley: I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know why? I like sex.
Charlie: Hello.
Ainsley: I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it.
Celia: And what kind of feminism do you call that?
Ainsley: My kind.
Bonney: It's called Lipstick Feminism. I call it Stiletto Feminism.
Sam: Stilettos?
Ainsley: You're not in enough trouble already?
Sam: I suppose I am.
Celia: Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing?
Ainsley: He would be able to, but that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones: pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment, and in this case a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly. So, you, [to Sam] 25% on the assessments for Category A. [To Charlie] You...I don't know what your thing is. [To Celia] And, you, stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake.
Sam: Well, for the moment, I'm going to do what she's telling me to do.

Sam: CJ, we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time.
C.J.: Yeah. Yeah.
Sam: Well... I don't understand. How could you-
C.J.: I've been faking it.
Sam: You've been faking it?
C.J.: I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important.
Sam: Ah-hah.
C.J.: And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying.
Sam: When?
C.J.: When what?
Sam: When did you come to this realization?
C.J.: About an hour ago.
Sam: Okay. Let's... I tell you what, let's forget the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all.
C.J.: That's what I say.

Sam: Did you know Toby wrote a concession speech?
Josh: Of course he wrote a concession speech. What possible reason would he have for not writing a concession speech?
Sam: The wrath from high atop the thing?
Toby: He upped and said we were gonna...
Josh: No! You gotta go outside, turn around three times and curse.
Toby: Spit.
Josh: Spit and curse.
Toby: Do everything.
Josh: Go!
Toby: Go!
Josh and Toby: GO!

Sam: Do we have some sort of condensed... Reader's Digest index... of, well... all human knowledge?
Ginger: We usually just use Margaret.

Sam: Education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic revolutionary changes. Schools should be palaces. Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense. That is my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.