C.J.: They sent me two turkeys. The most photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.
Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.

C.J.: This is our fifth press briefing since midnight. Obviously, there's one story that's going to dominate news around the world for the next few days, and it would be easy to think that President Bartlet, Joshua Lyman, and Stephanie Abbott were the only victims of a gun crime last night. They weren't. Mark Davis and Sheila Evans of Philadelphia were killed by a gun last night. He was a biology teacher and she was a nursing student. Tina Bishop and Linda Larkin were killed with a gun last night. They were 12. There were 36 homicides last night. 480 sexual assaults, 3,411 robberies, 3,685 aggravated assaults, all at gunpoint. And if anyone thinks those crimes could have been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I'd only remind you that the President of the United States was shot last night while surrounded by the best trained armed guards in the history of the world. Back to the briefing.

C.J.: We have at our disposal a captive audience of schoolchildren. Some of them don't go to the blackboard or raise their hand cause they think they're going to be wrong. I think you should say to these kids, "You think you get it wrong sometimes, you should come down here and see how the big boys do it." I think you should tell them you haven't given up hope, and that it may turn up, but in the meantime, you want NASA to put its best people in the room, and you want them to start building Galileo VI. Some of them will laugh and most of them won't care, but for some they might honestly see that it's about going to the blackboard and raising your hand.

C.J.: We'll call them Answer A and Answer B.
Josh: Yeah.
C.J. Mr. President does this mean you won't be seeking a second term? Answer A is 'You bet. I will absolutely be seeking a second term. I'm looking forward to the campaign. There is great work that is yet to be done.'
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: Answer B...
Josh: 'Are you out of your mind? I can't possibly win re-election. I lied about a degenerative illness. I'm the target of a Grand Jury investigation and Congress is about to take me out to lunch. I'd sooner have my family take their clothes off and dance the Tarantella on the Truman Balcony than go through a campaign with this around my neck.' [pause] You think that's too on the nose?
C.J.: I do.

C.J.: We're confirming now that a suspect is in custody, and is being questioned by federal law enforcement . At this time, we cannot, we are not releasing any information whatsoever about the suspect.
Steve: Can you tell us anything, his name, where he's from, his ethnicity, if you guys suspect a motive?
C.J.: Yes, Steve, I can tell you those things, because when I said that we weren't releasing any information whatsoever, I meant except his name, his address, his ethnicity, and what we think his motives are.

C.J.: What is really the difference between one debate and two debates?
Toby: "What's the diff�"! It's a whole other debate! It's a second debate! It's 100% more debate!

C.J.: Why were you holding women's underwear before?
Josh: Never really needed a reason.

C.J.: You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids 300 feet below, thinking you better not jump 'cause there's a chance you might drown. The President has this disease and has been lying about it, and you guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It's the fall that's gonna kill ya.

C.J.: We've got a new addition to our running list of things Robert Ritchie's not. Speaking this morning at the Philadelphia Financial Council, the Governor said, "I'm no scientist but I know a thing or two about physics." So for the week you can add scientist to doctor, mind reader, and Chinese.

C.J: You know, if I was living in Qumar, I wouldn't be allowed to say 'Shove it up your ass, Toby,' but since I'm not: Shove it up your ass, Toby!

Carol: [after the State of the Union speech] Congratulations, boss!
C.J.: Nice job. Take the rest of the night off.
Carol: Yeah, it's one in the morning.
C.J.: Well, you've earned it! Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch, I'm gonna do you right here.
Sam: Okay.
C.J.: Sorry, I was still talking to Carol.
Sam: What is wrong with you?
C.J.: We really don't know.
Sam: Hey, I'm just, you know. Anyway, congratulations. And if you're serious about that thing with Carol, I can just sit in the corner and not even say�
C.J.:[laughing] Get out!

Carol: Toby and Josh are in your office.
CJ: What do they want?
Carol: To make fun of you, I think.
CJ: And you let them in?
Carol: And made them coffee.

Charlie Okay. Zoey and I are going out. I'll be on my pager.
Leo: You're going out?
Charlie: Yeah.
Leo: Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right?
Charlie: Hey, Leo...
Leo: Secret Service protection, Charlie. But thanks for loading me up with that image.

Charlie: [about the President's movie options] Well, he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.
Mrs. Landingham: Charlie, please don't say the word "erotic" in the Oval Office.
Charlie: I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.

Charlie: [advised to get a lawyer] How much?
Babish: Assuming you saw nothing wrong, heard nothing wrong and did nothing wrong... about $100,000.