C.J.: I'm the wrong Democrat to talk to about affirmative action.
Toby: Why?
C.J.: Because... After my father fought in Korea, he became what this government begs every college graduate to become. He became a teacher. And he raised a family on a teacher's salary, and he paid his taxes and always crossed at the green. And any time there was opportunity for career advancement, it took him an extra five years because invariably there was a less qualified black woman in the picture. So instead of retiring as superintendent of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District, he retired head of the math department at William Henry Harrison Junior High.

C.J.: If you ever have a free two hours and are so inclined, try standing up without leaning on anything and talking the whole time. You won't make it. I wouldn't make it. Stackhouse wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes. He's 78 years old. He has a head cold. This bill is going to pass. Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad, cause he just went into hour number eight.

C.J.: In the following days, we will be meeting with Reverend Al Caldwell, members of Beijing's Embassy and INS agents. The President has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to run these meetings so it's entirely possible that by week's end we'll have alienated Christians, China, and our own government.

C.J.: Is there anything I can say other than "The President rode his bicycle into a tree?"
Leo: He hopes never to do it again.
C.J.: Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.
Leo: He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J. What do you want me to � "The president, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop." What do you want from me?
C.J.: A little love, Leo.

C.J.: It's okay, you're afraid of flying.
Will: I'm not afraid of flying. I... experience flying.

C.J.: Men are like salmon. Swimming upstream, hosing down the riverbed with their indiscriminate seed...
Danny: Indiscriminate seed?
C.J.: Until...
Danny: Did you just say "indiscriminate seed"?
C.J.: Until they die, bloated and spent, belly-up in the sun.
Danny: Oh, quit sweet-talkin' me, baby.
C.J.: Unless they get taken out with a bear paw in the waterfall, as they deserve to be.

C.J.: No cameras.
Toby: You negotiated that?
C.J.: Yes.
Toby: They agreed to it?
C.J.: You want to make out with me right now, don't you?
Toby: Well, when don't I?

C.J.: Relaxing makes me nervous. It feels like I'm missing something.

C.J.: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
Bartlet: I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?
C.J.: No.
Bartlet: Me neither.
C.J.: It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.
Bartlet: I know.
Toby: We're talking about Texas, sir.
Bartlet: I know.
C.J.: USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.
Sam: It was big hats.
C.J.: What difference does it make?
Bartlet: It makes a difference.
C.J.: The point is we got whomped in Texas.
Josh: We got whomped in Texas twice.
C.J.: We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.
Bartlet: I think I was there.
C.J.: And it was avoidable. Sir.
Bartlet: CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'
CJ: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.
Bartlet: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?
Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.
Bartlet: Thank you. Next? Leo.
Leo: 'After it, therefore because of it'.
Bartlet: 'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
C.J.: When you learned to speak Latin?
Bartlet: Go figure.

C.J.: So, how long do you usually make people your bitch?
Charlie: Depends.

C.J.: So, the 4-H convention.
Toby: We're not going.
C.J.: I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?
Toby: I'm that way.
C.J.: You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter.
Toby: We're not going.
C.J.: There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby...
Toby: Butter on the table?
C.J.: It's got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.
Toby: How do they keep it from melting?
C.J.: How, indeed.
Nancy: Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.
Toby: Thank you.
C.J.: Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.

C.J.: Somebody said you were hanging out with some tribe, and they made you a king.
Will Sawyer: I'm a god.
C.J.: Oh.
Will: I'm the only white man to ever witness the sacrificial rites of the Bau tribe of Fiji. I was almost a victim myself, until they made me The Supporter of the World.
C.J.: How'd you swing that?
Will: Using my Palm Pilot, I convinced the Bau I had the power to make the gods' writing appear at will, and more significantly, predict the next day's weather.
C.J.: So you're a god?
Will: I'm the god of Good Harvest and the Land of the Dead.
C.J.: I gotta go there and bring my laptop. It quacks when I have e-mail.
Will: No, you're too tall.
C.J.: What would happen?
Will: They would paint your face and...other body parts black so as to resemble a warrior ornamented for feast or combat. Then you would be garroted by a length of boar tripe.

C.J.: The theme of the Egg Hunt is "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I.

C.J.: There is no group of people this large in the world that can keep a secret. I find it comforting. It's how I know for sure that the government isn't covering up aliens in New Mexico.

C.J.: There's no way you're letting me walk out the door, so what is it we're doing?
Simon: I'm sorry?
C.J.: What's your plan for me?
Simon: I don't have a plan.
C.J.: Are you gonna let me drive myself home?
Simon: No. [holding up something] I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant?
C.J.: You've got my spark plug?
Simon: And your battery. Fuel pump, starter relay, timing belt, the ignition fuse. And well also the engine, I guess.
C.J.: Did you leave me anything?
Simon: Wiper fluid. You can clean your windshield. No, actually, you need the battery.