Seth: I'm gonna go the car and get my iPod, listen to sad, depressing music for a change.

Seth: I'm like a monster, dude, I'm all I think about. And not in a good way.
Ryan: There's a good way?

Seth: I'm so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta... named Sylvia.

Seth: I'm sorry, Summer. I need to take a stand. Okay, this whole separation of the public and private spheres is not working for me. I can't do it.
Summer: But I told you how-
Seth: One day, you know, you might have some MTV-driven radio hits and a little moderately priced teen clothing line. I could get offered $20 million to portray a blind superhero in a red leather unitard. But until the, as long as we're complete faceless nobodies living in obscurity... I can't acknowledge you privately if you're not gonna acknowledge me publicly. So, let me know when you're ready to come to the bargaining table. But until then, you just consider me on strike.
Summer: Well you'll be crossing your own picket line in no time.
Seth: Fight the power.

Seth: I've redefined rock-bottom several times tonight.

Seth: If you're alone, cough twice.
Ryan: I'm alone.

Seth: It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date, provided it's not for me.

Seth: It'd be good to take some me-time... work on the novel. Tonight would make a good chapter.

Seth: It's a good story, Ryan. It's the story of two young men who could not be more different, but eventually they learn to overcome their differences and team up, kind of like brothers. Not entirely unlike you and me. Except that I blew it.

Seth: It's a story as old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out that girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
Sandy: I'm guessing it's too soon to joke, Seth. Even for a Cohen.

Seth: Jews don't believe in saints, just really good stand-up comics.

Seth: Just need to talk to you. Girl stuff.
Sandy: Well, you've come to the master. [Kirsten snickers] Hey, I got you.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable and drunk.
Seth: Only child... Right here.

Seth: Listen, I love girls and I love comics. But the two do not mix, okay? It's gonna be, like, "Let's make their outfits cuter..."

Seth: Listen, man, this is a good time for you, okay, Ryan Atwood. This is clean-slate Ryan. Finally you have no women to protect from violent goateed factory workers or pill-popping manic depressives.
Ryan: I guess you're right, I guess I really do have a clean slate.
Seth: You do! Dude, since day one of you getting here it has been nothing but lady drama with you: Marissa, Theresa, Luke, Oliver, Eddie... dude, I'm getting exhausted just thinking about it.
Ryan: I am kinda tired.
Seth: You should be! And you know what, you're gonna get a break, 'cause you deserve it. I think I'm going to declare this month... Angst-Free Ryan Month.
Ryan: Month? You think it's going to last a month?
Seth: Angst-Free Ryan Week. With an option for an additional week if you like it.
Ryan: Okay! Thanks, bud.

Seth: Man, I said I wanted to marry her, not date her. Okay?