Sandy: Yeah, while I'm harboring a fugitive I'll go score some pot on the street.

Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical or two myself in college.
Kirsten: Oh, someone please stop him before he starts singing "Greased Lightning."
Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta's your bitch!

Sandy: You think you can mess up so bad, we'll give up on you? You can't.

Seth [to Ryan]: The doctors said you're going to be fine, although you're going to have to wrap your head around the fact that we're really brothers now (Ryan looks at Seth) or blood brothers.
Ryan: You donated blood?
Seth: Aah, I had an extra few pints flowing through my veins, it's no big deal.
Ryan: Hmm, you're not a big fan of needles.
Seth: Nor of fainting, it turns out, but the bank was a little low and us O-negative guys gotta stick together.
Ryan: Hm, that's weird, cause all of a sudden I have this strange urge to listen to Death Cab and read comic books.
Seth: Really?
Ryan: No, I'm kidding.

Seth: [on Summer's answering machine] So... if you don't hear from me for a while, it's not because I don't love you. It's because I do.

Seth: [passing out flyers] Hey, guys. Comic Book League. Check it out. We're gonna to be getting into the issues. The stuff that matters. You know what I mean? Today's topic: capes. Fey, or kinda cool?

Seth: [singing] Moses and Jesus, they both had beards...

Seth: [talking to Ryan about Trey, who is in a coma] I kind of like him this way, he's a better listener. Sorry, I get talkative around coma patients. It's a compensation thing.

Seth: All this time I thought you were a nice guy.
Zach: Wake up, I'm a water-polo player, we're never nice guys.

Seth: Are you thinking of going undercover? A high school sting operation? Because that would be very 21 Jump Street of you.
Ryan: Whatever it takes.
Seth: Yeah, okay. I get to be Richard Grieco.

Seth: Brad, dude, I didn't recognize you out of a Speedo... Not that I would recognize you in the Speedo, but...

Seth: Comicon is basically a bunch of pathetic virgins ogling some porn star dressed as Catwoman.
Ryan: I thought you said you went every year.

Seth: Congratulations. You're a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Lindsey: It's a little soon to joke.
Seth: Not for us Cohens. It's what we do. Laugh through our tears. Make jokes inappropriately soon after a traumatic event. Sometimes we'll just make the joke during the traumatic event.

Seth: Couples who have comas together stay together.

Seth: Dad, remember when I called you the worst father ever? Right after that, I swung by your place of work, I smoked a joint, I forgot to put it out and now your office fits into an ashtray.