Sophia: AAAAAAAAAAH!!
Dorothy: What, ma? What?!
Sophia: "What???" You're sitting on top of me! I open my eyes, I see pores like that, I think I'm on the moon!

Sophia: Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was torture!
Rose: What was it called, Sophia?
Sophia: I just told you: Torture! Mussolini asked the questions, and you better have the right answers. Things like, "Who do you like better, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler?" And you always had to answer, "Mussolini!" Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. And they used real lightning!
Dorothy: Come on, Ma, you're making this up.
Sophia: Like hell I did. Goodson-Todman brought it to the United States, changed a few rules and called it Tattletales!

Sophia: Besides, you think I'd ruin Roberta's milestone birthday?
Rose: Milestone? She's 88.
Sophia: Right. After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone!

Sophia: Didn't Aunt Teressa have a heart attack?
Dorothy: No, Aunt Teressa didn't have a heart.
Sophia: Uncle Nunzio?
Dorothy: Uncle Nunzio died to get away from Aunt Teressa.

Sophia: Dorothy, I'm in the ladies room, I look in my brassiere. What do you think I find?
Dorothy: Hopefully, what we all find when we look in our brassiere.
Sophia: Please, I haven't been able to find those since I nursed your brother Phil.

Sophia: Dorothy, this could be my big break! With the exposure I get from Rose's movie, I could hawk my recipes all over the country!
Dorothy: Oh, come on Ma, that's ridiculous.
Sophia: Ahh no, if you wanna move your product, you gotta have exposure. All the great Italian chefs had it, Mama Celeste, Chef Boyardee, and Chef Valducci.
Rose: I don't remember Chef Valducci.
Sophia: Oh yeah, he didn't have television exposure, that was indecent exposure. He should have stuffed the cannelloni in the traditional manner.

Sophia: Drink this. It's a secret potion from the old country, guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Rose: Looks like milk.
Sophia: Trust me, Rose. Drink it, slowly. That's right, down the hatch. [unbeknownst to Rose, Sophia takes a saucepan from the cupboard] We call this Sicilian Sominex. Now, you might feel a slight tingling. But believe me, you'll sleep like a baby. [walks up to Rose from behind and raises saucepan]
Rose: I don't feel any tingling. When's it going to hit me?
[Blanche walks in]
Blanche: Sophia! What are you doin'?
Sophia: [Freezes with the saucepan in her hand] ...I was making a souffle, and it got away from me!

Sophia: Eighty-one years I've eaten fish on Friday, even when the Pope told me I didn't have to. I go to Mass, I light candles, I say novenas, and for what? So it could all be flushed down the toilet because my daughter insists on going out with Father Happy Pants!
Dorothy: Ma, you're not making it any easier.
Sophia: Look, Dorothy, in the end only you can decide what's right for you, and whatever decision it is, I'll stand by it.
Dorothy: Thanks, Ma.
Sophia: Just remember, make the wrong decision, you'll burn in hell forever. Sleep tight, Pussycat.

Sophia: Everything I have, you try to steal. May the bags under your eyes grow so large your head falls in 'em!
Angela: May your shampoo get mixed up with your Preparation H and shrink your head to the size of a mushroom!!
Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia sit at the table to eat fried chicken

Sophia: Fine, let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.
Rose: Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.
Sophia: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Sophia: For starters, Jean is a lesbian.
Dorothy: Ma.
Blanche: What's funny about that?
Sophia: You aren't surprised?
Blanche: Of course not. I mean I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.

Sophia: Hey girls! How do you like this spiffy little number? [walks into the living room to reveal that she is wearing the same dress that Blanche purchased]
Blanche: Sophia, that's the same dress I got!
Sophia: Well, now you know how it should look.

Sophia: I get to go with you? I don't have to stay here and get gassed with the termites? Oh Dorothy, you're such a good daughter.
Dorothy: She'll get over it. And even if she doesn't, who cares? We're going to meet Burt Reynolds!

Sophia: I slept with my two brothers until I was seventeen. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time, but that's a separate story.

Sophia: I'm an old white woman. I'm not supposed to have color. You want color? Talk to Lena Horne.