Rose: Blanche, sometimes you act just like a woman I knew in St. Olaf!
Sophia: Please, no one say "what woman?"

Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Better than anyone I know...
Rose: What color is black people's dandruff?
Dorothy: Rose, black people don't have dandruff. God figures they've been through enough already.

Rose: Do the minks have to be killed [for fur]?
Sophia: No, Rose, many women like wearing coats that urinate.

Rose: Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now we can move this toilet.
Dorothy: Fine, get me 20,000 Hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time.

Rose: Dorothy. Something terrible has happened.
Dorothy: OH GOD!
Sophia: You idiot! If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

Rose: Downtown? He means jail!
Dorothy: Oh really Rose, I thought he meant Neiman Marcus.
Rose: I've never been in jail. I won't make it. They always prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I'll fall in with a bad crowd, whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I'll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart. From that time on, I won't know a moment's peace. I'll scar my fingerprints with battery acid and I'll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who got bad grades in school. And then one day, they'll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone and when I make a run for it he'll riddle my body with bullets! Oh please don't let them take me downtown! I want to live! I want to live!
Dorothy: You're not very good in a crisis are you Rose?

Rose: Excuse me, you made a mistake. Those peaches aren't 59 cents a pound, they're 89 cents. Honesty is the best policy.
Blanche: What are you trying to do, qualify for some scout badge?
Rose: Well, I can't help it if I'm an honest person. Obviously something you don't know anything about.
Blanche: What are you talking about?
Rose: Well, you bought pantyhose in petite. Anybody could see, you couldn't get those past your knees!
Blanche: If you don't keep your voice down, I'm going to hit you in the head with this loin of pork.
Dorothy: [looks at loin of pork] Oh, Blanche, c'mon, 15 dollars and 99 cents?! Now this is too extravagant! I'm not going in on this, besides, I don't even like loin of pork.
Blanche: Well fine, I'm not going in on this night stick.
Dorothy: This is a pepperoni.
Blanche: It's obnoxious.
Rose: Oh, excuse me, you made a mistake, that Windex isn't on sale this week. The regular price is $1.99.
Dorothy: Rose, why don't you just save it for the The Price is Right?!
Rose: Excuse me for trying to be a good American.
Blanche: Would you two please keep your voices down?! I have shopped and dated extensively throughout this market!
Dorothy: That does it, that does it, I am shopping for myself.
Rose: Fine, Blanche and I will do very nicely on our own.
Blanche: Oh no, I'm not shopping with you, Mary Poppins.
Rose: Fine!

Rose: Gee, what's my diary doing here? [picks it up from the table] Next to a pair of pliers?
Blanche: Rose, whatever it is you're thinking, it isn't true.
Rose: Good, then George Bush isn't married to his mother.

Rose: Girls! Girls, Count Bessie is missing. I went out to the garage to feed 'er and her cage was empty. Where could she be?
They all have chicken in their hands and become motionless, with glazed looks on their faces.

Rose: Girls, wait a minute! We're talking about the sacred institution of marriage here! Are you willing to sacrifice the happiness of these two kids for the almighty dollar?
Blanche, Dorothy, Sophia: Yes!
Rose: I just wanted to be sure we were in agreement.

Rose: Girls, you won't believe what happened to me this afternoon. I met Mr. Terrific!
Blanche: Rose, don't be so quick to judge. I thought I had met Mr. Terrific. Turned out there was also a Mrs. Terrific. I found myself ducking a Mr. Vase.

Rose: I can't tell her her husband died in my bed.
Sophia: Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers, and you found him on the lawn.
Rose: That's not bad...
Dorothy: Oh, Rose.
Rose: Well, I've never had to do this before! Tell a wife that her husband's been cheating on her with me! That's the hardest thing ever to have to tell anybody.
Blanche: Oh, no, it's not! How about having to tell a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her...with her own sister...and you're the sister...and you're pregnant too. By her husband.
Dorothy: You...didn't!
Blanche: Not me! Last night on Dallas! Or Dynasty or Falcon's Landing, or one of those, they're all the same.
Rose: Oh! I thought you were the one-
Blanche: Oh please! I could never do a thing like that. And if you ever saw my brother-in-law, you'd know why!

Rose: I did learn that Baked Alaska can actually be baked locally.
Dorothy: Rose, I have an even bigger scoop for you. Mars Bars are made right here on earth.

Rose: I don't know what to wear on a cruise.
Blanche: A life jacket and a great big smile.

Rose: I got caught up at work and I barely had time to pick up this cake. I wanted to make Sven feel welcome.
Blanche: Rose! That cake is from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop!
Dorothy: [opening up the cake box and then quickly closing it] WHOA!!!!!
Blanche: Why, Rose Nylund, why, that cake is in the shape of...
Dorothy: Blanche, we know what it is.
Rose: I thought it was in the shape of Florida!
Blanche: That reminds me...I wanna give Charlie Milbourne a call.
Dorothy: If this cake reminds you of Charlie Milbourne we can both give him a call!