Dorothy: Oh, I don't know. Two policemen living in our house?
Blanche: So what's that to be afraid of, Dorothy? Once you strip away the gruff exterior, the badge, the gun, the uniform-
Dorothy: You've got a naked policeman.
Blanche: Exactly.

Dorothy: Oh, I remember when Stanley told me he was having an affair. It was at least 24 hours before I cut the crotches out of all his slacks.
Blanche: You didn't!
Dorothy: I was teaching English Lit at the time. Symbolism was my life.

Dorothy: Okay girls, which goes better, the silver chain or the pearls?
Rose: The chain.
Blanche: An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?
Rose: Well that may be, but the pearls draw attention to the non-existent bosom.
Blanche: Yes, but, the chain leads the eye even lower, to that huge "spare tire," jutting out over those square manly hips.
Dorothy Why don't I just wear a sign that says "Too Ugly To Live"?
Blanche: Fine, but what are you going to hang it from, the chain or the pearls?
Dorothy: [angrily] Neither, I'm going to spray paint it on my hump!!
Rose: See, Blanche, you don't know any more than I do. I'm going to run for Fashion Show Chairman.
Blanche: Well, you're just wasting your time. Who on that fashion committee is going to vote for you? I'm gonna win.
Rose: Well, I don't see how that's possible. Everybody on the committee is female. Who are you going to sleep with?
Blanche: Are you insinuating that I cannot win it on merit alone? ... All women?

Dorothy: Okay, okay, we're getting the basic system.
Salesman: Whatever...
Dorothy: But not from you, from your competitor.
Salesman: What?
Dorothy: Because what you were trying to do was terrify us into spending more money than we have! Now get out of here before the victim of violent crime in this house is YOU! [shoos the salesman out the door and slams it]

Dorothy: Please, please Stan. No hugging, no kissing. Let's just do it and get it over with.
Stan: Sounds like the last few years of our marriage.
Dorothy: I wish it was that good.

Dorothy: Rose, do me a favor and fasten your seatbelt... over your mouth!

Dorothy: Rose, I take it that no member of your family was ever a returning champion on Jeopardy!.

Dorothy: Rose, what do you call a woman who sleeps with a man on the first date?
Blanche: [trying to defuse situation] A damn good sport?

Dorothy: Rose, will you excuse us?
Rose: Sure, where're you going?
Dorothy: Nowhere. Get out!

Dorothy: The most romantic thing was when Stan proposed. I went to the powder room and when I got back there was two long stem glasses filled with Dom Perignon. We clinked the glasses and Stan gave me a coy smile and I winked at him and I just down the champagne in one gulp....and it didn't go down smoothly. Later he told me that he put my engagement ring at the bottom of the glass. It turned up three days later.
Rose: Where'd it turn up, Dorothy?
Dorothy: On the Home Shopping Network, Rose.

Dorothy: The REAL problem is you, Blanche. You are selfish.
Blanche: Oh, please! Everybody always says what a giving person I am!
Sophia: She's talking about when you're in an upright position!

Dorothy: The way to relax when you have to speak in front of a group of people is to imagine what they all look like naked.
Rose: Really?
Dorothy: Yep. And if you do it right, you'll probably even start to laugh.
Blanche: [stares at Rose for a few seconds, shrugs, and then begins staring at Dorothy, then bursts out laughing hysterically. After a few seconds Rose starts to laugh too. Dorothy, exasperated, exits the room.]

Dorothy: Uhh Rose, Are you going to be very much longer?
Rose: Not now, Dorothy. This man is still very down about his financial situation. He was one of the principal backers of Howard the Duck.

Dorothy: Uhh, Aunt Angela? Where did you get this chicken?
Angela: The garage.
Blanche: I guess this means no live entertainment with dessert.

Dorothy: We are throwing a surprise birthday party for Blanche. I want you to go out to the lanai and mingle with the other guests.
Sophia: Check! ...What's a lanai?
Dorothy: The porch!
Sophia: Excuse me, Krystle Carrington!