[Cal tears into Ricky and Ron about the just-ending show running 37 seconds short.]
Cal: Danny had to have Jessica Simpson fill. Nice girl, nice performer -- don't want her to extemporize on our air. She had time to thank her pets, and then she asked us all to pray for peace in the Midwest.
Ron: [laughing] I'm sure she meant the Middle East.

[Danny is horrified at the results of Cal and Tom's test of a prop guillotine with the practice baby.]
Cal: They're supposed to be indestructible.
Danny: Yeah, they are, unless you drop an 80-pound hydraulic axe on their head.
. . .
Danny: ... it's Jordan's, and she bet me that I couldn't keep it alive, and I was doing fine until Sacco and Vanzetti decided to CHOP THE BABY'S HEAD OFF!

[Danny is sitting on Matt's chest after a struggle on the beach.]
Matt: Are people looking at us right now?
Danny: I think they are.
Matt: Well, could you punch me in the face or something, 'cause to a casual observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.
Danny: I definitely hear you on that.

[Harriet gives Matt a gift -- a baseball bat which a player had given to her.]
Matt: He wrote his phone number on here. You didn't see it?
Harriet: That's his phone number?
Matt: What did you think it was?
Harriet: I just thought it was his uniform number. You know, they sign their name, and then write the number...
Matt: Yeah, they do... do that. You thought his uniform number was 3 billion, 106 million, 786 thousand, 5 hun-- he was asking you out.

[Harriet, Simon, and Tom are arguing over the "News 60" material.]
Harriet: God loves me, and hates the both of you.
Simon: Prove it.
[The lights come back on all at once.]
Simon: Okay, seriously, I'm scared out of my mind.
Tom: Yeah. That was strange.
Harriet: Alright. Moving on...

[In a doctor's waiting room, Danny to Jordan from a magazine titled Expectant.]
Danny: If you were over 35, then what we gotta do is stick a needle about half a foot into your stomach, and get some fluid from your pre-natal girth.
Jordan: Why are you here?
Danny: Morale.
Jordan: I really don't need help.
Danny: Not now, but you will soon, 'cause this says you gonna have to make a journey of 1200 miles to bury your eggs in the warm mud.
Jordan: Danny....
Danny: Wait, that can't be you.
Jordan: (snickering) No.
Danny: It's an Alaskan King Crab that does that.

[In the examining room, Danny snipes about the father of Jordan's baby.]
Jordan: This is the time for a lecture?
Danny: No, that was about twelve weeks ago. By the way, did you and the last honest man on the planet get loaded on Jägermeister and forgot that there's like five hundred different kinds of birth control?

[In the studio, a tipsy Jordan explains to Cal that she's avoiding her boss, Jack.]
Jordan: So, I'm hiding here tonight. This is like, for me, Superman's Dome of Pleasure.
Cal: Fortress of Solitude?
Jordan: Yes!
Cal: Well, enjoy yourself.
Jordan: I believe I will!

[Jack approaches Jordan in the studio as the new show is about to air, quoting fictional newsman Lou Grant.]
Jack: You know what, Mary? You got spunk.
Jack & Jordan: I hate spunk.
. . .
Jack: They never lose, Jordan. They always win.
Jordan: And they might this time, but I'm not going down in the first round. And if the ratings go up, the sponsors who dropped out, we'll welcome them back in -- at 120% of the cost of the original ad buy. We're going to be the first network to charge a coward fee.
Jack: [to himself] I hate spunk.

[Jordan shows Danny her "practice" Real Care Baby.]
Jordan: It just told me I'd stuffed it in a Prada bag!
Danny: The real baby's gonna do that, too.
Jordan: Yeah, but now I know not to... you know...
Danny: Stuff the baby in a bag?
Jordan: Yeah!
Danny: You knew that before!
Jordan: Now I can practice comforting.
Danny: You turned it off with a remote.
. . .
Danny: I know you're nervous, and... God understands that. So he made the first year an on-ramp. Okay? You're not up to full speed, you're just merging with other traffic.
Jordan: You know how many times I've busted my car merging with other traffic?
Danny: Alright, you don't... drive... the baby. Ever.

[Jordan tries to get Harriet to cancel upcoming concerts for Women United.]
Harriet: Young girls attend these events. They admire me. I'm in a position to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's.
Jordan: Carol Channing has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's.

[Matt addresses his writing team.]
Matt: One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school. We're going to act, dress, talk, write and behave professionally.
[Harriet bursts through the door.]
Harriet: You are an adolescent, oversexed, whore-monger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!
Matt: And all that will begin in just a few minutes.

[Matt and Danny have been offered the job of leading the show.]
Matt: Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?
Jack: He failed a drug test?
Jordan: Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Should have trusted me a little, Danny.
Matt: [to Danny] Sorry about that, that one was all me.
Danny: Yeah.
Matt: [turning to everyone] Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now. But legitimately. I had back surgery on Tuesday. L-5/S-1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? You bet.

[Matt once again jokingly reminds Danny that he can't have a B-12 shot if he's pregnant.]
Danny: You know, Chevy Chase woke up one day and just wasn't funny anymore.

[Matt plops down a tiny mounted pine on the writers' conference table.]
Andy: What are you, Linus?
Matt: Yes. Yes I am. I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas.
Darius: You carry with you a dead Christmas tree.
Matt: All Christmas trees are dead,they've been cut down.