Red Dwarf quotes
198 total quotesRimmer: It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
Lister: It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves.
Rimmer: It's amazing Where did you get the recipe?
Lister: I'm not sure.... I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.
Lister: It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves.
Rimmer: It's amazing Where did you get the recipe?
Lister: I'm not sure.... I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.
Rimmer: Lister, she's a computer sprite. She's just a load of pixels.
Lister: Yeah, but what pixels.
Lister: Yeah, but what pixels.
Rimmer: Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh. This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug. Now hear this, 'cos it's only coming once: We surrender, totally and without condition. Thank you for listening. Oh, additional: sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Rimmer: Look... In three million years, you'll be dead.
Past Rimmer: [mock surprise]: Oh, will I really?
Rimmer: Yes, unless you do something about it now.
Past Rimmer: Oh, and what do you suggest I do, then? Eat less white bread? More roughage?
Past Rimmer: [mock surprise]: Oh, will I really?
Rimmer: Yes, unless you do something about it now.
Past Rimmer: Oh, and what do you suggest I do, then? Eat less white bread? More roughage?
Rimmer: Mayday, Mayday! I wonder why they call it "Mayday" ? It's only a bank holiday. Why not "Shrove Tuesday", or "Ascension Sunday" ? Ascension Sunday, Ascension Sunday! 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost, 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost!
Rimmer: Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family.
Rimmer: Oh, great. Not only am I dead, I don't exist, either! Thanks a lot, God!
Rimmer: On the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...
Captain Hollister: For crying out loud, Rimmer!
Rimmer: - the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.
Captain Hollister: Okay, I'm getting the picture.
Rimmer: Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a "voyage to trip-out city". To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.
Captain Hollister: Lister, is this true?
Lister: No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.
Rimmer: The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous
Captain Hollister: For crying out loud, Rimmer!
Rimmer: - the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.
Captain Hollister: Okay, I'm getting the picture.
Rimmer: Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a "voyage to trip-out city". To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.
Captain Hollister: Lister, is this true?
Lister: No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.
Rimmer: The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous
Rimmer: One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal, it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.
Lister: Was he any help?
Rimmer: Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, Showing Compassion to Inmates.
Lister: I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?
Rimmer: In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.
Lister: What did he say?
Rimmer: He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.
Lister: Was he any help?
Rimmer: Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, Showing Compassion to Inmates.
Lister: I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?
Rimmer: In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.
Lister: What did he say?
Rimmer: He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.
Rimmer: Skipper?
Ace: Thought he deserved a nickname, Skipper sounded good.
Rimmer: Ace and Skipper? You sound like a kids TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.
Ace: Thought he deserved a nickname, Skipper sounded good.
Rimmer: Ace and Skipper? You sound like a kids TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.
Rimmer: So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor"?
Kryten: Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!
Rimmer: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
Kryten: Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!
Rimmer: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
Rimmer: Spaghettification. Let me guess. I can see only two options: one -- due to the bizarre effects of the intense gravitational pull, and because we're entering a region of time and space where the laws of physics no longer apply, we all of us inexplicably develop an irresistible urge to consume vast amounts of a certain wheat-based Italian noodle conventionally served with Parmesan cheese; or two -- we, the crew, get turned into spaghetti. I have a feeling we can eliminate option one.
Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert!
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.