Rimmer: One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal, it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.
Lister: Was he any help?
Rimmer: Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, Showing Compassion to Inmates.
Lister: I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?
Rimmer: In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.
Lister: What did he say?
Rimmer: He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.

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