Red Dwarf quotes
198 total quotesRimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
Lister: C'mon, that was a joke!
Rimmer: Yes Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.
Lister: C'mon, that was a joke!
Rimmer: Yes Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.
Rimmer: The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.
Rimmer: There, on the floor... P-S-I-R-E-N-S... "Psirens?"
Kryten: The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: But who would do that?
Lister: Someone who BADLY needed a pen.
Cat: What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.
Kryten: The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: But who would do that?
Lister: Someone who BADLY needed a pen.
Cat: What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.
Rimmer: They've been naughty, haven't they, Mr Flibble?
"Mr Flibble": Yes.
Rimmer: What happens to naughty boys who've been naughty, Mr Flibble?
"Mr Flibble": Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his hex vison.
"Mr Flibble": Yes.
Rimmer: What happens to naughty boys who've been naughty, Mr Flibble?
"Mr Flibble": Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his hex vison.
Rimmer: This venom -- are we safe in here?
Lister: It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison, we're a sardine tin.
Rimmer: It's coming straight for us.
Lister: There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.
Cat: To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the morning!
Series VI
Lister: It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison, we're a sardine tin.
Rimmer: It's coming straight for us.
Lister: There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.
Cat: To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the morning!
Series VI
Rimmer: Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked. You'll bonk anything won't you, Lister?
Rimmer: What color is it supposed to turn?
Lister: Blue for not pregnant, which is the color it's gonna turn.
Rimmer: And red for pregnant?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: [chants]Come on, you re-eds!
Lister: Blue for not pregnant, which is the color it's gonna turn.
Rimmer: And red for pregnant?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: [chants]Come on, you re-eds!
Rimmer: What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.
Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.
Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.
Rimmer: What's your name, soldier?
Kryten: His name's Ghandi, sir. Mahatma Ghandi.
Rimmer: Well, get him out of that damn nappy and into a uniform.
Kryten: His name's Ghandi, sir. Mahatma Ghandi.
Rimmer: Well, get him out of that damn nappy and into a uniform.
Rimmer: When you're younger you can eat what you like, drink what you like, and still climb into your 26" waist trousers and zip them closed. Then you reach that age, 24-25, your muscles give up, they wave a little white flag, and without any warning at all you're suddenly a fat bastard
Rimmer: Why don't you smegging well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger?
Rimmer is trying to identify a chemical in the mirror universe
Rimmer is trying to identify a chemical in the mirror universe
Rimmer: You don't like Reggie Wilson? What? Not even "Pop Goes Delius" or "Funking Up Wagner"?
Lister: I prefer something slightly more melodious, like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.
Lister: I prefer something slightly more melodious, like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.
Todhunter: There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?
Lister: You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead!
Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
Todhunter: [chuckling] Oh, Rimmer... You are a smeghead!
Lister: You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead!
Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
Todhunter: [chuckling] Oh, Rimmer... You are a smeghead!
[Lister]: You said yourself. I can't stop it. Let's get this over with. [grabs a pipe]
[Rimmer]: Lister, what's that for?
[Lister]: I'm going out as I came in, screaming and kicking.
[Rimmer]: You can't just whack Death on the head!
[Lister]: If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!
[Rimmer]: Lister, what's that for?
[Lister]: I'm going out as I came in, screaming and kicking.
[Rimmer]: You can't just whack Death on the head!
[Lister]: If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!
Both Birdman and Pete have been restored to their former selves
Rimmer: Now, destroy the time wand.
Lister: This machine's priceless!
Rimmer: Destroy it.
[Lister destroys the time wand. Moments later, a giant dinosaur egg is discovered behind a corner.]
Lister: Wh-what do we do now??
Rimmer: Now...rebuild...the time wand! It's absolutely priceless!
Rimmer: Now, destroy the time wand.
Lister: This machine's priceless!
Rimmer: Destroy it.
[Lister destroys the time wand. Moments later, a giant dinosaur egg is discovered behind a corner.]
Lister: Wh-what do we do now??
Rimmer: Now...rebuild...the time wand! It's absolutely priceless!